War on a desperate man

"War On A Desperate Man"

Eli Young Band


Between heaven and hell, the devil in me,
Burned another bridge on the family tree,
You take the bottle from my hand and the whiskey off my breath,
Tell me is there really still anything left,
There's a limit to livin' on God's green earth,
I'm still tryin' to figure what that's worth,
Not makin' any choices I'm just makin' mistakes,
Livin' in a world where the sinners are saints,

How can I win when the battle keeps changing,
Should I just lay down my gun,
Surrender to the demons I'm facing,
Do I fight or do I run,
Is this the moment I finally take a stand,
Win this war on a desperate man.

Been praying to God to let me hear his voice,
Take me now if that's His choice,
Who's it gonna be who makes me realize,
There are days I don't even wanna open my eyes.

How can I win when the battle keeps changing,
Should I just lay down my gun,
Surrender to the demons I'm facing,
Do I fight or do I run?
Is this the moment I finally take a stand,
And win this war on a desperate man.


On a desperate man...

This song has been repeat over and over again all day. It's how I feel. It's my hearts cry right now. I get better. Then I get worse. I feel like I am completely hitting rock bottom. I feel like im completely broken. I keep battling different battles within me. I hear God's voice and I know he knows what's best for me. But then the devil tells me im not good enough. I am not pure enough. My heart will never be okay. I can never be healed from the damage I've been through. I hear the enemies voice and it over powers God's. Im in a constant battle. The battle keeps getting worse. And it puts me into a deeper depression.

I want to let Jesus heal me. I am broken. He hasn't left my side at all. I just feel like I can't win. I feel like I can't win this battle in my heart. I miss things from my past. I miss people from my past. I have overwhelming guilt for things I've done in my past. The enemy reminds me of this constantly. Keeps telling me I am not good enough. Jesus has abandoned me. That I cannot be forgiven for the things I have done. That I will never get anybody better than who I had. That I deserved to have my heart broken for being such an awful person. That I deserve to be cheated on. I deserve to be lied to. I KNOW ALL OF THESE ARE LIES. But hearing them constantly over and over and over again makes you start believing them.

Some days I don't want to wake up or even open my eyes because I don't want to deal with this battle. I just want Jesus. I just desire him. I don't want to be a part of this battle anymore. Because I want to live in the truth. I want to believe in his word. That he will never leave or forsake me and that he's always with me even on my darkest days. Jesus has power over me. He also has power over the demons that I am facing. I don't want this struggle anymore. I don't want this battle. I don't want this war. So I beg Jesus to take it. Please take this from me.

In order to believe in things I need to speak truths. Truths that Jesus has laid out for me. My heart aches. Aches for past loves. One in particuliar.Truth is he doesn't deserve an ounce of my time. He doesn't deserve my thoughts. He doesn't get to take my life away from me. He doesn't deserve me. He is not good enough. He is not worthy. He did not have the right to take away my innocence. He did not deserve my heart. He did not deserve my love. He took it for granted. He cheated. He lied. He lied the whole time. So this picture of what I thought we had was nothing. Jesus doesn't intend on me being with him. But that doesn't change my hearts desire for him. I still plead for him back most days. In my prayers I plead to Jesus to bring him back to me. I know it won't happen. Unless his heart changes and he starts loving Jesus. Loving a non christian is not easy. It's not what God has in store for me. It's NOT his plan. But that doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make it any easier.

The only thing I can do is believe in Jesus' promises. That these wounds will heal eventually. That everything happens for a reason. That in order for me to have faith, I have to have faith and trust in his timing. It's not gonna be easy. It's easier to just mourn the loss of him. But I need to move on. I need to love Jesus more. I need to love my family more. I need to love my friends more. I need to love my self more. I need to have self respect and know that I AM beautiful, that I AM smart, that I am loveable, that Jesus is enthralled with my beauty. That he is my maker and knows the desires of my heart. That he knows whats best for me. He knows my hearts cry. All the lies the world and the enemy feed me and destroy me. I need to seek Jesus and his face and know that his truth will endure forever and that these worldly things will eventually fade.

The only way I will win this battle within me, the war in my heart. Is with the help of Jesus. So Jesus please guide me and take away this pain. Please let me focus on you and only you.

Gigi