Forgiveness

Forgiveness. A simple word. Something not so easy to do. One of my new years resolutions is to forgive freely and don't hold grudges. So why is it so hard to forgive? Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross so that I could be forgiven for all the crap I have done in my life. Even after knowing what he did for me, I still have a very hard time forgiving. I have a hard time forgiving certain people. Most of the time I am pretty forgiving. But if somehow someone hurt me so bad I will not just act like everything is okay.In particuliar, I want to forgive the one person I have hated for almost a year. I don't want this person in my life anymore, not even the thought of him. I want to forgive him and move on so that I can live a fruitful and happy life. I still can't forgive him. I've tried over and over and over again. I still can't do it. Does that mean I am weak? People say that once you let go of a grudge you are holding you will feel so free. I feel like I am in shackles. I just want to be set free of this burden and forgive. He doesn't care about my forgiveness. But for me to have peace in my heart, soul, and mind I need to work on forgiving. I don't know how I am going to do it. I am going to try and forgive him like Jesus forgives me on a daily basis for all the mistakes I make. Hopefully one day I will have the courage and strength to forgive him, bury it, and let it go. I made progress, but I have slowly digressing back to old habits. I recently opened my heart back up for love. Everything felt so right, except for the fact that he did not care about me the way I thought he did and did not care about my first love, Jesus. I hadn't felt this way since, well you know, the boy who I will not name. I was extremly crushed. I blamed God, when God had nothing to do with it except was waiting for me to realize I deserve better and that he has a MUCH better plan for me. Even if I don't know what that plan is. I forgive this man. You can't force someone to love you when it isn't right, just like Jesus can't force us to follow him. I forgive my parents for all the crap they put me through this year. I just hope that they would have compassion on me for everything I have done. I will have to be accountable for everything I have done eventually. I forgive friends who have wronged me in the past and who will wrong me in the future. In order to be more forgiving I need to have compassion and love selflessly. With the help of Jesus I know i can forgive this person. But it's going to take time, and a lot of healing. Am I the only one who struggles with forgiveness? Sometimes I feel like everybody has everything together and that they are perfect and always forgive those who have hurt them. Well I guess I am not one of those people. I used to think forgiveness was so easy. Until I let my heart harden and became numb. Until I let a human being hurt me so bad I didn't think I could ever be fixed again. But guess what? I am fixable, loveable, and Jesus loves me more than any man could. I need to remind myself of that. The next time I hold a grudge or say I don't think I could ever forgive that person for what they did. Think again. Jesus forgives us on a daily basis several times a day. What if he hardened his heart and said he didn't want to forgive me, or he hadn't sacrificed himself on the cross for my sins. Where would I be now? And what gives me the right to not forgive? I am working on it. It is not easy. It might be one of the hardest things I have had to do. But I want to forgive, move on, and have peace in my heart.


Gigi