Chivalry Lives

I am taking this from a sermon I heard last week at Central Baptist. It really spoke to me and I feel called to share this with you. The man who shared the sermon is Jeff Wheeler who is the lead pastor at Central. I am sharing bits of the sermon and then putting my thoughts into them.

When you think of Chivalry what do you think? Do you think of the ‘50s? Or things older generations did? Do you believe chivalry is dead? Do you believe it lives? If it lives today, what does it look like?

The definition of Chivalry is: The methods of training and standards of behavior for knights in the middle ages. The code of chivalry emphasized bravery, military skill, generosity in victory, piety, and courtesy to women.

Ephesians 5:28-29 says, “So husbands ought also to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of his body.

Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless each individual among you also is love to his own wife even as himself..”

The first point is to be married is to be intimately connected with your spouse. Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. The husband is the head and the wife is the body. The head cannot function without the body and the body cannot function without the head. The head and body work together to function properly. Marriage is an ultimate sport. You have to communicate and work as a team or the connection will fail and the marriage will die. In the same way, men need to listen to their head but they also need to consider the feelings of their bodies (wives) when it comes to making decisions so they can move forward and have an effective marriage.
I know I am a single woman I am in no way shape or form really able to give married couples marriage advice. But I know that without communication and teamwork marriage would be really hard, and quite impossible. This point doesn’t just talk to married couples. It also speaks about Christ and to the Church. Christ is the head and should be the center of our lives. We are the body of Christ. As the body we should be able to communicate with our creator, our leader, and our head. Just like couples should be able communicate intimately and connect intimately, us as the body of Christ should be intimately connected to our maker. He pursues us. Like a gentlemen should. Like husbands should do even after they are married to their wives. Pursue her daily. Just like Christ pursues us daily. That’s chivalrous. Love her as much as you love yourself.

The second point is Physical Abuse is a violation of the marriage covenant. Abuse goes against God’s plan. Intentionally injuring your body is a violation of how God created you. And abusing your wife physically is a violation of how God created marriage. Abuse of any kind is illogical, irrational, unacceptable, goes against the way we were made. If a guy you like, are seeing, dating, married to whatever, if he abuses you in any way seriously consider getting out of the relationship. We are princesses. God made us beautiful, lovely, smart, comforters, caretakers, and irresistible to men. God wants his princesses to be pursued loved, cared for like he cares for the church. He doesn’t want us being abused. Speaking from experience, I haven’t been married but I almost married a man who was not only physically abusive but controlling, manipulative, mentally, and emotionally abusive. God answered a lot of prayers and got me out of that relationship. I am very thankful. Abuse is not God’s plan.

The husband is to be the primary provider for his family. Deep within the masculine DNA is the God given desire to nourish and cherish their wives. As a single, when I go on dates or consider dating a guy I need to look at if he is not in a position to provide for a family I should either keep dating him but take it slow and wait, or end the relationship. I have to be able to be with a man who can provide for a family someday. Couples that are dating the guys should pay for the dinner and if a guy cannot afford to buy don’t go out. Men should prioritize their spending. God wants women to be cherished even if that means the guy pays. If the woman offers to pay then awesome she is blessing you, but you should never ask her to pay. Men should get used to being the providers for their woman and their family. Most say oh this is just old fashioned now, feminism destroyed this outlook. No it didn’t unless you let it. This isn’t dead nor is it old fashioned. Just as a husband should nourish his wife, Christ the head will nourish his bride which is the body of Christ.

In 1st Peter 3:7 “You husbands in the same way live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker since she is the woman..” The bible does say women are weaker. It does not say we aren’t equal partners in marriage, doesn’t mean men should take advantage of women or think they have the upper hand. What it does mean is men are the leaders of the household and wives are to be submissive to their husband. This leads us into the last point. Chivalry is a part of God’s plan. As men, God calls husbands to honor their wives when they serve them with their strength. Men are to protect and guard their wives, gfs, mothers, children, etc. God calls men to protect women. To honor, cherish, and nurture their wives. Whether that means doing the dishes for your wife or holding a door open for a girl you are on a date with. Respect women. God calls men to be chivalrous. He wants men to cherish and honor women. So to answer the question is chivalry really dead? It definitely isn’t. I believe sex outside of marriage may have tainted chivalry a little but it is not dead.

I believe that God just really spoke to me through this sermon. I know I am not a married woman, not even close but God did speak through this sermon. He spoke to me about what I should be looking for in a mate, what I should not be looking for, that respectful men do exist even when they seem rare in a sex driven culture like ours, and that I should seek men who want to cherish me not tear me down. I want to be intimately connected not only to my maker but to my future hubby someday, I want to stay clear of abuse and know the warning of signs of abuse and listen to God when a relationship needs to end, seek a man who knows that he needs to be the primary provider for my household, and that I should seek a man who wants to nourish and cherish me someday.

Be encouraged.

His beloved,
Gigi

Valentines Day

Today is Valentines Day, as you have probably noticed. The infamous ''hallmark holiday". The day where guys are supposed to spoil their girlfriends with flowers, chocolates, gifts, and dinner. I will admit I am a lil sad I don't have a boyfriend this year for the past three years I have been one of those spoiled girls who always had amazing valentines. But just because I am single doesn't mean I can't be happy on this day. I have lots of valentines who have always been there for me. Plus like I've said before and will say many times in the future, girls since when did we start letting boys determine our happiness.

I can create my own happiness. I am the happiest I have been in almost three years. It's funny, I wanted to be with someone so bad and when I finally got him I wasn't completely happy or completely satisfied and now that I don't have ''anyone" I am the happiest I have been since high school. I am not saying staying single the rest of my life is going to make me happy, but I have to learn to find happiness on my own before anyone else can make me truely happy. So yes it is single awareness day but I am not going to be a negative nancy about it. I am happy for everyone who has a significant other and is being spoiled on this day. You are very blessed and I hope to be blessed with an amazing husband someday who cherishes me not only on Valentines day but everyday of the year.

I am choosing to be thankful on this Valentines Day. Thankful for my loving family who have been through thick and thin with me through the past three years and are finally seeing a light at the tunnel. I am thankful for amazing friends who are always there for me whether its in the good times or bad times. Thankful for an adorable puppy who wants nothing to be faithful to me, he hasn't left my side today. He's actually sleeping on my lap as I am typing this. Now that's love and loyalty. I am thankful for a beautiful savior, my first love. Who fills my heart with so much joy and wants nothing but the best for me. He pursues me all the time. He is my first love and nobody will replace him. Never. Not even my future hubby someday. I am so thankful that my grandma is getting released from the hospital today to go back to the nursing home so she can get her strength back and go to an assisted living home. Just shows how strong God's love is for us and that he does answer prayers and is faithful. God wants us to imitate him. I believe by showing love for people, not only on valentines day, but 365 days a year ,is imitating him. So there is so much to be thankful for. I am trying to fall in love with as many things as possible because this life is so short and I don't want to miss out on anything.

Be happy. Let Jesus fill your heart with joy.

Gigi

Blessings

"Blessings" by Laura Story


We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

This song is really speaking to me this morning when I'm just dwelling in the prescence of my papa. He loves me so. He pursues me even in my darkest moments. He pursues me in my happy moments. He's always pursuing my heart. He's my first love. I tend to forget that.

Last week I went to a funeral for a guy I graduated with. It was very hard to say bye to him. I didn't really know him well but I was in band with him and I had a few classes with him. It is very hard to say bye to someone who is my age. It reminds me time and time again how precious life is, how beautiful it is no matter what kind of pain I go through, and how it is very short.No matter how hard this is for me to understand, why someone's life was cut so short, I am reminded that God has a plan. He has a plan. We can question that plan, questioning him doesn't make us any less of a believer, it just shows we want to know him and gain a better understanding of who he is. All I know is that God needed an angel up in heaven with him, and that angel was Ryan. This song was played at his funeral and it has been in my head ever since.

I believe God is speaking to me in several ways through this song.

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

This is my favorite part of the song it speaks to me and speaks to my core, to my soul. I have cried thousands and thousands of teardrops in the last year. This has been one of the most trying times of my life. I had several sleepless nights due to heartbreak, loss, brokenness, and aching in my heart due to the pain this world has caused me and will continue to cause me. My family and I have been put through so much pain and trials in the last year. Just when I thought they would get better my family is being hit with yet another trial. But God isn't trying to punish us. These are blessings even if it doesn't seem like that at the time. This last year has been a trying time for all of us. My mom just recently told me about all of the weeping and crying she did for me over the past year, well past three years, but especially this year and the years I was involved with my ex.

God works in mysterious ways. I don't always know his plan but I have faith in his timing and trust in his will. My mom not only told me about all the praying and weeping she has done for me, but also that this song was always in her head when she was thinking about me and the struggles we have been through.I have cried time and time again over this song, as she has. God has linked us together through this song. Bringing us back together, to the friendship we had before all of this crap happened. This is a blessing. Such a beautiful blessing. My mom was my best friend all throughout my life. She was my go to person. God really blessed me with an amazing, beautiful, strong woman of God for a mother. It has taken me alot of time to remember that and to remember just how blessed I truely am.

This song was and still is very encouraging to me. God continues to speak to me through it. I know he is by my side and will never leave me, even if I get sad and angry and feel like he has abandoned me. I know that he is working in not only my life, but my whole families lives. It's very beautiful to see the Lord work.

I hope you are encouraged, because I was :)


His beloved,

Gigi

War on a desperate man

"War On A Desperate Man"

Eli Young Band


Between heaven and hell, the devil in me,
Burned another bridge on the family tree,
You take the bottle from my hand and the whiskey off my breath,
Tell me is there really still anything left,
There's a limit to livin' on God's green earth,
I'm still tryin' to figure what that's worth,
Not makin' any choices I'm just makin' mistakes,
Livin' in a world where the sinners are saints,

How can I win when the battle keeps changing,
Should I just lay down my gun,
Surrender to the demons I'm facing,
Do I fight or do I run,
Is this the moment I finally take a stand,
Win this war on a desperate man.

Been praying to God to let me hear his voice,
Take me now if that's His choice,
Who's it gonna be who makes me realize,
There are days I don't even wanna open my eyes.

How can I win when the battle keeps changing,
Should I just lay down my gun,
Surrender to the demons I'm facing,
Do I fight or do I run?
Is this the moment I finally take a stand,
And win this war on a desperate man.


On a desperate man...

This song has been repeat over and over again all day. It's how I feel. It's my hearts cry right now. I get better. Then I get worse. I feel like I am completely hitting rock bottom. I feel like im completely broken. I keep battling different battles within me. I hear God's voice and I know he knows what's best for me. But then the devil tells me im not good enough. I am not pure enough. My heart will never be okay. I can never be healed from the damage I've been through. I hear the enemies voice and it over powers God's. Im in a constant battle. The battle keeps getting worse. And it puts me into a deeper depression.

I want to let Jesus heal me. I am broken. He hasn't left my side at all. I just feel like I can't win. I feel like I can't win this battle in my heart. I miss things from my past. I miss people from my past. I have overwhelming guilt for things I've done in my past. The enemy reminds me of this constantly. Keeps telling me I am not good enough. Jesus has abandoned me. That I cannot be forgiven for the things I have done. That I will never get anybody better than who I had. That I deserved to have my heart broken for being such an awful person. That I deserve to be cheated on. I deserve to be lied to. I KNOW ALL OF THESE ARE LIES. But hearing them constantly over and over and over again makes you start believing them.

Some days I don't want to wake up or even open my eyes because I don't want to deal with this battle. I just want Jesus. I just desire him. I don't want to be a part of this battle anymore. Because I want to live in the truth. I want to believe in his word. That he will never leave or forsake me and that he's always with me even on my darkest days. Jesus has power over me. He also has power over the demons that I am facing. I don't want this struggle anymore. I don't want this battle. I don't want this war. So I beg Jesus to take it. Please take this from me.

In order to believe in things I need to speak truths. Truths that Jesus has laid out for me. My heart aches. Aches for past loves. One in particuliar.Truth is he doesn't deserve an ounce of my time. He doesn't deserve my thoughts. He doesn't get to take my life away from me. He doesn't deserve me. He is not good enough. He is not worthy. He did not have the right to take away my innocence. He did not deserve my heart. He did not deserve my love. He took it for granted. He cheated. He lied. He lied the whole time. So this picture of what I thought we had was nothing. Jesus doesn't intend on me being with him. But that doesn't change my hearts desire for him. I still plead for him back most days. In my prayers I plead to Jesus to bring him back to me. I know it won't happen. Unless his heart changes and he starts loving Jesus. Loving a non christian is not easy. It's not what God has in store for me. It's NOT his plan. But that doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make it any easier.

The only thing I can do is believe in Jesus' promises. That these wounds will heal eventually. That everything happens for a reason. That in order for me to have faith, I have to have faith and trust in his timing. It's not gonna be easy. It's easier to just mourn the loss of him. But I need to move on. I need to love Jesus more. I need to love my family more. I need to love my friends more. I need to love my self more. I need to have self respect and know that I AM beautiful, that I AM smart, that I am loveable, that Jesus is enthralled with my beauty. That he is my maker and knows the desires of my heart. That he knows whats best for me. He knows my hearts cry. All the lies the world and the enemy feed me and destroy me. I need to seek Jesus and his face and know that his truth will endure forever and that these worldly things will eventually fade.

The only way I will win this battle within me, the war in my heart. Is with the help of Jesus. So Jesus please guide me and take away this pain. Please let me focus on you and only you.

Gigi

Finding Mr. Right

http://vimeo.com/34762604


A friend of mine has been inviting me to her church. I haven't attended yet but I am prayerfully considering it. My blog entry today is based off a sermon from the pastor of Central Baptist. This sermon really spoke to me.

I am an impatient person. I have always rushed things. I have a hard time waiting, especially on God's plan. I am very impatient when it comes to my love life. I want to be in love, I want someone to love me the way I love them, and I want to be happy.I think that is why I jumped at the first chance I could to get married. Even though he was the complete opposite of what I was looking for, we fought a lot, he couldn't give me what I wanted and he knew this, and most importantly he was not living out God's calling for his life and at the time I wasn't either. We were completely incompatible but I was "in love". I think a lot of people have that problem these days they base everything off their feelings and rush things and I think that is partly why the divorce rate is as high as it is, even within the church.

A lot of my friends have been getting married lately. So this has made me even more impatient. While my friends are going off and getting married and living "happily ever after" I feel like I am in a constant waiting game. Not only in my love life but in life in general. I haven't gotten my degree yet, I am single, I currently don't have a job, and I have no idea where my life is going. But that is okay because I know God is working in me during this waiting game. And he will give me patience.

God commissioned Adam to lead. He gave Adam the authority to name all of the animals and to name eve. Before God gave Adam a wife, he gave him a purpose and a plan for his life. God created marriage to be a means of fulfilling his plan and purpose. Marriage needs to be based on principles not feelings. You don't need marriage to fulfill your desires his purpose is for us to follow his plan. Gods plan for us is to serve him and love him deeply. Find his calling our life whether that be going to college and getting a career, being in ministry fulltime, whatever it is we need to find our vocation. Then it may be God's purpose to join us in marriage with another person.

As women, we need to seek a man that is following God's purpose. This was my first mistake. I have made this mistake several times. I date nonchristians and think I am going to be able to change them or they will be able to change me, but that thinking is so wrong. When we start getting involved with a guy we need to ask ourselves is this man following God's call upon his life? Just like I would hope my future husband would ask that same question about me.Eve was created as a helper for Adam for Fulfilling God's plan. If the guy you are considering or dating doesn't have any convictions or no plan for following God's plan for his life, I would suggest you get out of it. I am going to follow this for now on. I haven't in the past but I am going to now. I am still confused about God's plan for my life and my life is a bit chaotic right now. I am trying to figure out God's calling on my life. I am nowhere near ready for marriage. It hurts but it's true. That's why God is having me wait.

God taught Adam about spiritual compatability. Some people are not meant to be. That is what happened in my case. If God is not the center then it is not right and you should get out. God was not the center. God had no part in the relationship I was in. And if God is not in it then it is not right. I had to learn the hard way and I should've walked away from the relationship way before I did. Compatiblity in relationships is essential. Physical, cultural/racial, emotional, mental, and recreational compatibility are important but not essential Spiritual Compatiblity is essential. God tells us we shouldn't marry outside of our religious background because more than likely they will turn you away from your faith. God won't bless your marriage if he is not the center and you are not following his plan. What does a believer have in common with a nonbeliever? Nothing. So when it comes to relationships and marriage you need to be with someone who has the same beliefs as you. If you are not prepared to live with that person as they are right now with no change in the next 50 years don’t get married. If you think you are going to be able to date a nonchristian and change them when you get married more than likely it won't happen.

Compatibility must be a present reality. Ask yourself some of these questions. Do they pray alot? Do they attend church regularly? Is there faith evident in their life? Are they open about their faith? How about past relationships? Have they been faithful in the past? Have they been in and out of relationships? What's their track record? Are they responsible with money? Irresponsible with money? What are their emotions? Do they suffer from depression? Are they happy? Do they have joy? Are they dependent on alcohol?Does he handle his sexual desires? If he wont take no for an answer now then how do u know he will take no later? If you are a Christian thinking about marrying a man with no intent of having a relationship with Christ then you should reconsider.

We don't get married to become complete. I struggle with this. I always felt like part of me was missing and one day I would meet that "special someone" who would complete me. Truth is only God can complete me. If I feel empty or feel like I am not whole then I am not letting God fill me and I need to let him work in my life. Colossians 2:9 Talks about how Adam wasn't incomplete without the rib that God took to make Eve. We will never find completion in other people. We will find completion in God and God alone. We don't complete them but we definitely compliment them. I want to find affirmation in Christ. For the last four years I have desired the affection of a man and feel incomplete when I am not in a relationship or getting attention from a man. I can find completion in Jesus Christ without being married. I desire to be married someday. I hope that God has a plan for me to get married in the future. I can only hope, pray, prepare myself, and wait.

God is in control of the when in our lives. I struggle with this alot. I like to be in control of things. That is how I got engaged and rushed my life. I wanted to be in control. I had a perfect picture of what my life should be and tried to make it that way. I ended up being empty, cheated on, alone, and farther away from God then I had ever been. Adam didn't have any control over the timing. Just like I don't have any control on the timing of if and when I will meet my future spouse.

There is a process involved. Romans 5:6, “For while we were still helpless at the right time Christ died for the ungodly”. Galatians 4:4,“But when the fullness of time came, God sent forth his son..”God has a purpose for this "waiting game". Even though I get impatient I have to remember that God is working on me during this time. I may get married a year from now, 5 years from now, maybe even longer but God is using this time. My life doesn't start when I get married. It has already started and I need to start living. Maybe God's purpose in this waiting is for me to get out of the debt I am in, get back into school and finish my education, working on character traits still such as having patience, and finding out his plan for my life. I know he has a plan in all this waiting. So when I get impatient and feel like I am going to be alone forever I need to take a step back and remember that God is working in my life and I must let him work in my life instead of me taking control. When I am in control nothing goes right. I want him to be in control of my life and my decisions. I need to let him work in me so I will be ready. It will be unexpected but God will bring that person into my life when I give up my search, give up my control, follow his plan, and wait for his timing.

Sorry this got a bit long. I used bits and pieces from the Sermon and put my own thoughts and reactions to it.

Gigi

Struggle Fest

Today was a very long day. I got up early and sat at the hospital with my Grandma all day. She has a lot of health issues in the past 6 months. She had surgery back around november. That's what started the downward spiral of doctor visits and being hospitalized and assisted living and the list goes on. It has taken a toll on my whole family. My great grandma Grace is the piece that holds our family together. As I sat at the hospital today, she didn't know my name most of the time and the other half she called me my mother and was delusional. Her health problems, hospitalizations, and medications have made her develop early signs of dementia. She has a lot of crazy hallucinations, is delusional, and to be straight forward just isn't her self. She hasn't been herself for awhile.

This has taken a toll on me, and especially my mother. Most of my life I have not seen my mom cry. She's been very strong in 20 years I rarely saw her cry. So it's very hard for me to see my mom cry. Today my mom came up to the hospital and was very emotional. This made me cry and feel helpless. It's one of the WORST feelings in the world to go through.

As I sat up at the hospital I did a lot of thinking. I also did a lot of praying and pleading with God. About my family, my friends, and my life. I see a lot of hurt not only in my life but in alot of my friends lives. I feel helpless. Just when I feel like my life is getting on track, things just get worse. God doesn't give us more than we can handle he also doesnt leave us during our time of trials and tribulations.

I wrestled with God today though. I have had one of the WORST years of my life. Actually two years.I am not saying woe is me or want sympathy AT ALL. I am just saying I was engaged, raped, impregnanted, miscarried, bounced from job to job, had to take a break from school, kicked out of my house, moved back into my house, I am jobless now, everything going on with my grandma, alot of my friends are struggling with several different problems and issues. I just feel like it is never ending. I questioned him and asked him why all of this was happening. Why wasn't he stopping this from happening? Why couldn't he just take my grandma instead of keep her here in pain? I want her to have peace and I want my family to have peace. Why does he let loving and faithful people go through trials after trials? When will it all stop? Will they ever stop? When will I get a job? Will he help me through all of this? Will he give my family peace? The questions were never ending. I felt at peace though. I didn't get answers but I had open ears and waited on him and listened and will continue to do that because my God is faithful. I just have to have patience, which is hard for me.

It's been a trying week to say the least. But I feel closer to the Lord more than I have in a long time. It is friday night tonight. My typical weekend consists of partying and whatever goes along with that. I could have easily went and did that tonight after the kind of day I had. But no, I am sitting at home with my parents relaxing and watching tv. And I am okay with this. I had no need, want, or desire to go out and participate in my friday ritual. Something in my heart is changing and I have a good feeling about it and am going to go with it. So even though I feel like my life is going to crap once again and seems like a "struggle fest" I have to put faith in God and put faith in his timing and his plan. Jeremiah 29:11 always comes to mind. He has plans for all of this and has plans for my life and I have to continue to trust in that. I saw a quote today that I feel is very fitting for my life right now and for the situations that I am facing.

Trust in-HIS timing
Rely-on HIS promises
Wait-for HIS answers
Believe-in HIS miracles
Rejoice-in HIS goodness
Relax-in HIS prescence

Come near to God and he will come near to you -James 4:8

These things can be very hard but I need to remind myself that it's all in his hands and I need to give it all to him. He's got this. Lord knows I don't ha.

I know he will give me strength during this hard time. Even though I feel weak and helpless. The Lord is my strength and my song Exodus 15:2

Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.

Gigi

Purity

This article really hit home for me today and I thought I would share it with you.


/ Life / Relationships / Features /
"But He (or She) Isn't a Virgin" Debra K. Fileta Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Sexual history isn't everything. Here's how to pursue purity together as a couple.

I recently got an email from a concerned virgin: a young man who is troubled by the sexual sins of his partner’s past. His voice is just one in the choir of hundreds of young men and women I meet and counsel who are bogged down by disappointment at the unreciprocated sexual purity they face in light of their partner’s sexual history.

It's clear that letting go of a partner's sexual past continues to trip up many Christians, both virgins and non-virgins. This truth is illustrated anew in the controversial confessions of Mark and Grace Driscoll's book Real Marriage. They discuss their relationship under the public spotlight, including some of their personal hang-ups and hardships and the effects of premarital sex on their marriage. Though neither were virgins when they married, their prior experiences made Grace "frigid and fearful" and caused Mark to wonder "how many years he could white-knuckle fidelity." One of the most controversial statements occurs when Mark details a dream he had of Grace "sexually sinning during a senior trip she took after high school when [they] had just started dating." When he told his wife about the dream, she confessed that it was true. Mark admits, "Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her."

Whatever criticisms the book may draw, the discussion serves as a reminder that our sexual pasts continue to leave deep scars and painful wounds, even within our modern generation where virginity may not always be the norm.

There are times that we as humans get so fixated on the details that we fail to take in the big picture. As Christians, one area that our narrow perspective has negatively affected has been the topic of sexual purity. Inarguably, sexual purity is a very important thing. God would not have mentioned it time and time again throughout Scriptures if that were not so. He knows the pain and devastation that “sex done wrong” can cause in both short-term and long-term relationships. Yet we as Christians must remember that though it is an important piece to the puzzle of a flourishing marriage, it is by no means the most important factor.

If you are stuck because of pain of your partner’s sexual past, or perhaps feel trapped by your own past, here are some important things to really consider before you take the next step relationally:

Our sexual past is a symptom of who we were, and is not necessarily a reflection of who we are. When I am counseling young couples, this is where I always start. Though a person’s past may add a lot to the dynamics of who they become, the most important factor to consider is who is standing before you today? I have seen countless young people pass up potentially solid relationships because of the fact that they could not get over the idea of marrying a “non-virgin.” On the opposite spectrum, I have seen entire relationships founded on the basis of mutual sexual purity, when there were so many other major dysfunctions in the relationship that were overlooked and simply dimmed in comparison to the spotlight of “purity.” Our tendency to get hung up on the details can be devastating.

Beyond the scope of sexual past, one must consider who a person is in their present. We serve a God of grace and mercy, a God who uproots us from our old selfish life and plants us into the soil of holiness and righteousness. For those who are in a true relationship with Jesus, sexual past can no longer be the defining point of their lives. They are now defined by their relationship with Jesus Christ, a relationship that should be overflowing from every part of their current being—growing, sanctifying, maturing and equipping them to be the person that God has called them to be. Look for that Spirit-filled relationship in every single part of your partner’s life and allow that to be the source of decision making when it comes to laying the foundations for a dating relationship. Purity is a condition of the heart, of the mind and of the spirit more than a simple category of one’s physical experiences.

Our inability to forgive our partner’s sexual past (or our own) may be a sign of a heart issue that has nothing to do with sexuality. I once heard it said that someone who cannot forgive themselves for their past is not struggling with the sin of guilt, but with the sin of pride. Pride is the voice that tells us that what has been done is too great of a sin to be covered by God’s grace. As though our sins were more powerful than the blood that He shed. Pride is also at the root of a heart who cannot forgive another for the sins committed against them.

If you find yourself stuck on your partner’s sexual past, you must ask yourself if you have really accepted and understood God’s grace in your own life. Like the story of the unforgiving servant who had an enormous debt wiped out, yet could not manage to forgive the debt of his own servant (Matthew 18). Though your past may look different than the past of your partner, God’s grace has covered you both. If you cannot learn to love your partner by covering them in grace, then purity of body has taken priority over purity of heart. If I remember correctly, Jesus always looks at the heart (John 8:1-11).

Our sexual history will always affect us, though it doesn’t always have to haunt us. I don’t want to make it sound like those who have had a sexual past will be dismissed of all consequences, because that is simply untrue. Ask any Christ-centered married couple in which one or both partners have dabbled sexually outside of marriage and they will be able to point to the consequences of that behavior. We who have purposely and deliberately awakened our sexual desires to any extent before marriage will bring an additional component to matrimony that will undoubtedly be added to the list of “things to work through.” That said, anyone who enters into marriage brings their own list of things to work through, whether it be a sexual past, family problems, past sins, spending habits, communication deficits and on and on and on ... Who of us is perfect when it comes to purity of the mind, body and soul? Though these things may have an effect on our relationship, it is up to us whether or not we allow these effects to bring us into relational blessings or relational struggles.

When it comes to purity, it would do us all good to remind ourselves to look at the big picture. There is no doubt that Jesus calls us to live a life of sexual purity. He loves relationships, and He wants us to go into them with as little baggage as possible because He knows the difficulties that come when two flawed human beings are made to become one. With that in mind, knowing our flaws and knowing the nature of our flesh, He loves us anyway, takes us back again and again and empowers us to live holy and righteous lives in the here and now. Look for that kind of purity in your pursuit of relationships: a purity that permeates every part of your partner's life, a purity that is dictated by who they are in Christ today, not just by where they have come from; a purity that has room for grace, mercy and forgiveness.

Debra K. Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in relationships and marital issues. She lives with her husband and daughter in Hershey, PA. Visit her blog at DebsLessonsLearned.blogspot.com.



Sexual history is not everything. Everybody has a past. Whether they have refrained from sex or not. We have a sinful nature. If a woman is dressed provactively and is walking down the street a man is more than likely is going to look and more than likely have lustful desires and thoughts for her. Or if a very attractive man without a shirt on is running past you while you drive in your car you might start think "dang hes hott" and start have wandering thoughts.

"Our sexual past is a symptom of who we were, and is not necessarily a reflection of who we are." This quote is worded well. Whether someone has dabbled into sexual sin once or more than once maybe even a lot that doesn't mean that's who they are now. People make mistakes. They sin. Some fall into sexual sin with one,or several partners, some fall into masturbation, pornography, lustful thoughts. etc. Whatever it is that doesn't mean they can't move on from their past sins and that doesn't mean thats who they are now.

It really offends me when Christian people, or even non Christians say I would never consider dating, or even marrying someone who isn't a virgin. Being a victim of sexual assault and experiencing a lot of issues from that it hurts. I know I have made mistakes after what happened to me but that doesn't mean I don't have a pure heart. I used to be one of those people. I used to be a very strong Christian woman who lived my life following the bible. I always told myself I would never marry a non virgin. I would tell others that.I would basically preach it.

Then I went off to college. A christian college where I thought it would be a safe haven and I wouldn't experience the typical "college life". I was so wrong. I stopped going to church. I started partying. I started letting boys be the number one thing in my life. This is exactly what I didn't want to be a part of. And I started being a part of it. The holy spirit inside me and my convictions started to blur and fade away. I just kept falling deeper and deeper and I didn't have any problem with it and I didn't see any consequences to what I was doing. I enventually fell in love with a non christian, which I told myself I would never do. And let him be in control of my life. I didn't even know if I had faith anymore. I stopped going to church, except for holidays. And going to church was just a bother. I hated going. I felt like everyone was judgemental and I just didn't want to be a part of it anymore.

This is when temptation and sexual sin began. I thought I was in love, but I was in lust. Sex was a big part of my life, I'm not proud of it. But it is part of my testimony now. Towards the end of this toxic relationship where I was engaged and impregnanted, I was also sexually assaulted. I lashed out after this. I continued to make horrible decisions and drank alcohol to numb my pain from all of this. Sex does not come without consequences. Our sexual history will always affect us, though it doesn’t always have to haunt us. I will probably always struggle with the pain from my past experiences and have alot of emotional issues but that doesn't mean I can't go on with my life, and love again. And this time actual love. Jesus can heal, and clothe me in righteousness. Doesn't mean I am not gonna struggle, but at least I don't have to face that struggle alone.

So I would ask people to have open minds about dating and marrying nonvirgins. NO sin is greater than the other. Whether you lie, cheat, have sex, steal, watch pornography, anything. Sin is sin. I don't want you to have an open mind about sin. But I would ask you to have an open mind about grace and forgivness.

I would hope someday my future husband, if it's God's plan for me to get married, would be that he would forgive me for past sins. As for me if I end up getting close with someone who has a past like I do I would forgive him. I don't want to be prideful and not forgive. We are all sinners whether we have past sexual sins or not. So be kind and be forgiving.

I feel like there is a gap in our generation. I grew up in a christian home where I had a purity ring and was very blessed to have parents who were bible based Christians who loved Jesus. They told me to wait to have sex. I was waiting. I feel like once people go to college they are surrounded by so much crap. Sex, drugs, alcohol, you name it. It grosses me out now that I have experienced some of those things. I don't want anybody to have to go through what I went through. So my question is how do you think we could fill this gap and reach out to college students and young adults and let them know they don't have to live a life like this? I am not being a hypocrite when I say things like this, because I know I struggle on a daily basis with these things. I just wish I would of had someone to help me through my college years and so I wouldnt of had to go through this crap. I am here if anybody needs guidance or wants to talk So how do we begin to fill this gap? What teaching can we teach that is not being taught? Positive feedback/negative feedback is welcomed.


Gigi