Struggle Fest

Today was a very long day. I got up early and sat at the hospital with my Grandma all day. She has a lot of health issues in the past 6 months. She had surgery back around november. That's what started the downward spiral of doctor visits and being hospitalized and assisted living and the list goes on. It has taken a toll on my whole family. My great grandma Grace is the piece that holds our family together. As I sat at the hospital today, she didn't know my name most of the time and the other half she called me my mother and was delusional. Her health problems, hospitalizations, and medications have made her develop early signs of dementia. She has a lot of crazy hallucinations, is delusional, and to be straight forward just isn't her self. She hasn't been herself for awhile.

This has taken a toll on me, and especially my mother. Most of my life I have not seen my mom cry. She's been very strong in 20 years I rarely saw her cry. So it's very hard for me to see my mom cry. Today my mom came up to the hospital and was very emotional. This made me cry and feel helpless. It's one of the WORST feelings in the world to go through.

As I sat up at the hospital I did a lot of thinking. I also did a lot of praying and pleading with God. About my family, my friends, and my life. I see a lot of hurt not only in my life but in alot of my friends lives. I feel helpless. Just when I feel like my life is getting on track, things just get worse. God doesn't give us more than we can handle he also doesnt leave us during our time of trials and tribulations.

I wrestled with God today though. I have had one of the WORST years of my life. Actually two years.I am not saying woe is me or want sympathy AT ALL. I am just saying I was engaged, raped, impregnanted, miscarried, bounced from job to job, had to take a break from school, kicked out of my house, moved back into my house, I am jobless now, everything going on with my grandma, alot of my friends are struggling with several different problems and issues. I just feel like it is never ending. I questioned him and asked him why all of this was happening. Why wasn't he stopping this from happening? Why couldn't he just take my grandma instead of keep her here in pain? I want her to have peace and I want my family to have peace. Why does he let loving and faithful people go through trials after trials? When will it all stop? Will they ever stop? When will I get a job? Will he help me through all of this? Will he give my family peace? The questions were never ending. I felt at peace though. I didn't get answers but I had open ears and waited on him and listened and will continue to do that because my God is faithful. I just have to have patience, which is hard for me.

It's been a trying week to say the least. But I feel closer to the Lord more than I have in a long time. It is friday night tonight. My typical weekend consists of partying and whatever goes along with that. I could have easily went and did that tonight after the kind of day I had. But no, I am sitting at home with my parents relaxing and watching tv. And I am okay with this. I had no need, want, or desire to go out and participate in my friday ritual. Something in my heart is changing and I have a good feeling about it and am going to go with it. So even though I feel like my life is going to crap once again and seems like a "struggle fest" I have to put faith in God and put faith in his timing and his plan. Jeremiah 29:11 always comes to mind. He has plans for all of this and has plans for my life and I have to continue to trust in that. I saw a quote today that I feel is very fitting for my life right now and for the situations that I am facing.

Trust in-HIS timing
Rely-on HIS promises
Wait-for HIS answers
Believe-in HIS miracles
Rejoice-in HIS goodness
Relax-in HIS prescence

Come near to God and he will come near to you -James 4:8

These things can be very hard but I need to remind myself that it's all in his hands and I need to give it all to him. He's got this. Lord knows I don't ha.

I know he will give me strength during this hard time. Even though I feel weak and helpless. The Lord is my strength and my song Exodus 15:2

Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.

Gigi