"War On A Desperate Man"
Eli Young Band
Between heaven and hell, the devil in me,
Burned another bridge on the family tree,
You take the bottle from my hand and the whiskey off my breath,
Tell me is there really still anything left,
There's a limit to livin' on God's green earth,
I'm still tryin' to figure what that's worth,
Not makin' any choices I'm just makin' mistakes,
Livin' in a world where the sinners are saints,
How can I win when the battle keeps changing,
Should I just lay down my gun,
Surrender to the demons I'm facing,
Do I fight or do I run,
Is this the moment I finally take a stand,
Win this war on a desperate man.
Been praying to God to let me hear his voice,
Take me now if that's His choice,
Who's it gonna be who makes me realize,
There are days I don't even wanna open my eyes.
How can I win when the battle keeps changing,
Should I just lay down my gun,
Surrender to the demons I'm facing,
Do I fight or do I run?
Is this the moment I finally take a stand,
And win this war on a desperate man.
On a desperate man...
This song has been repeat over and over again all day. It's how I feel. It's my hearts cry right now. I get better. Then I get worse. I feel like I am completely hitting rock bottom. I feel like im completely broken. I keep battling different battles within me. I hear God's voice and I know he knows what's best for me. But then the devil tells me im not good enough. I am not pure enough. My heart will never be okay. I can never be healed from the damage I've been through. I hear the enemies voice and it over powers God's. Im in a constant battle. The battle keeps getting worse. And it puts me into a deeper depression.
I want to let Jesus heal me. I am broken. He hasn't left my side at all. I just feel like I can't win. I feel like I can't win this battle in my heart. I miss things from my past. I miss people from my past. I have overwhelming guilt for things I've done in my past. The enemy reminds me of this constantly. Keeps telling me I am not good enough. Jesus has abandoned me. That I cannot be forgiven for the things I have done. That I will never get anybody better than who I had. That I deserved to have my heart broken for being such an awful person. That I deserve to be cheated on. I deserve to be lied to. I KNOW ALL OF THESE ARE LIES. But hearing them constantly over and over and over again makes you start believing them.
Some days I don't want to wake up or even open my eyes because I don't want to deal with this battle. I just want Jesus. I just desire him. I don't want to be a part of this battle anymore. Because I want to live in the truth. I want to believe in his word. That he will never leave or forsake me and that he's always with me even on my darkest days. Jesus has power over me. He also has power over the demons that I am facing. I don't want this struggle anymore. I don't want this battle. I don't want this war. So I beg Jesus to take it. Please take this from me.
In order to believe in things I need to speak truths. Truths that Jesus has laid out for me. My heart aches. Aches for past loves. One in particuliar.Truth is he doesn't deserve an ounce of my time. He doesn't deserve my thoughts. He doesn't get to take my life away from me. He doesn't deserve me. He is not good enough. He is not worthy. He did not have the right to take away my innocence. He did not deserve my heart. He did not deserve my love. He took it for granted. He cheated. He lied. He lied the whole time. So this picture of what I thought we had was nothing. Jesus doesn't intend on me being with him. But that doesn't change my hearts desire for him. I still plead for him back most days. In my prayers I plead to Jesus to bring him back to me. I know it won't happen. Unless his heart changes and he starts loving Jesus. Loving a non christian is not easy. It's not what God has in store for me. It's NOT his plan. But that doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make it any easier.
The only thing I can do is believe in Jesus' promises. That these wounds will heal eventually. That everything happens for a reason. That in order for me to have faith, I have to have faith and trust in his timing. It's not gonna be easy. It's easier to just mourn the loss of him. But I need to move on. I need to love Jesus more. I need to love my family more. I need to love my friends more. I need to love my self more. I need to have self respect and know that I AM beautiful, that I AM smart, that I am loveable, that Jesus is enthralled with my beauty. That he is my maker and knows the desires of my heart. That he knows whats best for me. He knows my hearts cry. All the lies the world and the enemy feed me and destroy me. I need to seek Jesus and his face and know that his truth will endure forever and that these worldly things will eventually fade.
The only way I will win this battle within me, the war in my heart. Is with the help of Jesus. So Jesus please guide me and take away this pain. Please let me focus on you and only you.
Gigi
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Finding Mr. Right
http://vimeo.com/34762604
A friend of mine has been inviting me to her church. I haven't attended yet but I am prayerfully considering it. My blog entry today is based off a sermon from the pastor of Central Baptist. This sermon really spoke to me.
I am an impatient person. I have always rushed things. I have a hard time waiting, especially on God's plan. I am very impatient when it comes to my love life. I want to be in love, I want someone to love me the way I love them, and I want to be happy.I think that is why I jumped at the first chance I could to get married. Even though he was the complete opposite of what I was looking for, we fought a lot, he couldn't give me what I wanted and he knew this, and most importantly he was not living out God's calling for his life and at the time I wasn't either. We were completely incompatible but I was "in love". I think a lot of people have that problem these days they base everything off their feelings and rush things and I think that is partly why the divorce rate is as high as it is, even within the church.
A lot of my friends have been getting married lately. So this has made me even more impatient. While my friends are going off and getting married and living "happily ever after" I feel like I am in a constant waiting game. Not only in my love life but in life in general. I haven't gotten my degree yet, I am single, I currently don't have a job, and I have no idea where my life is going. But that is okay because I know God is working in me during this waiting game. And he will give me patience.
God commissioned Adam to lead. He gave Adam the authority to name all of the animals and to name eve. Before God gave Adam a wife, he gave him a purpose and a plan for his life. God created marriage to be a means of fulfilling his plan and purpose. Marriage needs to be based on principles not feelings. You don't need marriage to fulfill your desires his purpose is for us to follow his plan. Gods plan for us is to serve him and love him deeply. Find his calling our life whether that be going to college and getting a career, being in ministry fulltime, whatever it is we need to find our vocation. Then it may be God's purpose to join us in marriage with another person.
As women, we need to seek a man that is following God's purpose. This was my first mistake. I have made this mistake several times. I date nonchristians and think I am going to be able to change them or they will be able to change me, but that thinking is so wrong. When we start getting involved with a guy we need to ask ourselves is this man following God's call upon his life? Just like I would hope my future husband would ask that same question about me.Eve was created as a helper for Adam for Fulfilling God's plan. If the guy you are considering or dating doesn't have any convictions or no plan for following God's plan for his life, I would suggest you get out of it. I am going to follow this for now on. I haven't in the past but I am going to now. I am still confused about God's plan for my life and my life is a bit chaotic right now. I am trying to figure out God's calling on my life. I am nowhere near ready for marriage. It hurts but it's true. That's why God is having me wait.
God taught Adam about spiritual compatability. Some people are not meant to be. That is what happened in my case. If God is not the center then it is not right and you should get out. God was not the center. God had no part in the relationship I was in. And if God is not in it then it is not right. I had to learn the hard way and I should've walked away from the relationship way before I did. Compatiblity in relationships is essential. Physical, cultural/racial, emotional, mental, and recreational compatibility are important but not essential Spiritual Compatiblity is essential. God tells us we shouldn't marry outside of our religious background because more than likely they will turn you away from your faith. God won't bless your marriage if he is not the center and you are not following his plan. What does a believer have in common with a nonbeliever? Nothing. So when it comes to relationships and marriage you need to be with someone who has the same beliefs as you. If you are not prepared to live with that person as they are right now with no change in the next 50 years don’t get married. If you think you are going to be able to date a nonchristian and change them when you get married more than likely it won't happen.
Compatibility must be a present reality. Ask yourself some of these questions. Do they pray alot? Do they attend church regularly? Is there faith evident in their life? Are they open about their faith? How about past relationships? Have they been faithful in the past? Have they been in and out of relationships? What's their track record? Are they responsible with money? Irresponsible with money? What are their emotions? Do they suffer from depression? Are they happy? Do they have joy? Are they dependent on alcohol?Does he handle his sexual desires? If he wont take no for an answer now then how do u know he will take no later? If you are a Christian thinking about marrying a man with no intent of having a relationship with Christ then you should reconsider.
We don't get married to become complete. I struggle with this. I always felt like part of me was missing and one day I would meet that "special someone" who would complete me. Truth is only God can complete me. If I feel empty or feel like I am not whole then I am not letting God fill me and I need to let him work in my life. Colossians 2:9 Talks about how Adam wasn't incomplete without the rib that God took to make Eve. We will never find completion in other people. We will find completion in God and God alone. We don't complete them but we definitely compliment them. I want to find affirmation in Christ. For the last four years I have desired the affection of a man and feel incomplete when I am not in a relationship or getting attention from a man. I can find completion in Jesus Christ without being married. I desire to be married someday. I hope that God has a plan for me to get married in the future. I can only hope, pray, prepare myself, and wait.
God is in control of the when in our lives. I struggle with this alot. I like to be in control of things. That is how I got engaged and rushed my life. I wanted to be in control. I had a perfect picture of what my life should be and tried to make it that way. I ended up being empty, cheated on, alone, and farther away from God then I had ever been. Adam didn't have any control over the timing. Just like I don't have any control on the timing of if and when I will meet my future spouse.
There is a process involved. Romans 5:6, “For while we were still helpless at the right time Christ died for the ungodly”. Galatians 4:4,“But when the fullness of time came, God sent forth his son..”God has a purpose for this "waiting game". Even though I get impatient I have to remember that God is working on me during this time. I may get married a year from now, 5 years from now, maybe even longer but God is using this time. My life doesn't start when I get married. It has already started and I need to start living. Maybe God's purpose in this waiting is for me to get out of the debt I am in, get back into school and finish my education, working on character traits still such as having patience, and finding out his plan for my life. I know he has a plan in all this waiting. So when I get impatient and feel like I am going to be alone forever I need to take a step back and remember that God is working in my life and I must let him work in my life instead of me taking control. When I am in control nothing goes right. I want him to be in control of my life and my decisions. I need to let him work in me so I will be ready. It will be unexpected but God will bring that person into my life when I give up my search, give up my control, follow his plan, and wait for his timing.
Sorry this got a bit long. I used bits and pieces from the Sermon and put my own thoughts and reactions to it.
Gigi
A friend of mine has been inviting me to her church. I haven't attended yet but I am prayerfully considering it. My blog entry today is based off a sermon from the pastor of Central Baptist. This sermon really spoke to me.
I am an impatient person. I have always rushed things. I have a hard time waiting, especially on God's plan. I am very impatient when it comes to my love life. I want to be in love, I want someone to love me the way I love them, and I want to be happy.I think that is why I jumped at the first chance I could to get married. Even though he was the complete opposite of what I was looking for, we fought a lot, he couldn't give me what I wanted and he knew this, and most importantly he was not living out God's calling for his life and at the time I wasn't either. We were completely incompatible but I was "in love". I think a lot of people have that problem these days they base everything off their feelings and rush things and I think that is partly why the divorce rate is as high as it is, even within the church.
A lot of my friends have been getting married lately. So this has made me even more impatient. While my friends are going off and getting married and living "happily ever after" I feel like I am in a constant waiting game. Not only in my love life but in life in general. I haven't gotten my degree yet, I am single, I currently don't have a job, and I have no idea where my life is going. But that is okay because I know God is working in me during this waiting game. And he will give me patience.
God commissioned Adam to lead. He gave Adam the authority to name all of the animals and to name eve. Before God gave Adam a wife, he gave him a purpose and a plan for his life. God created marriage to be a means of fulfilling his plan and purpose. Marriage needs to be based on principles not feelings. You don't need marriage to fulfill your desires his purpose is for us to follow his plan. Gods plan for us is to serve him and love him deeply. Find his calling our life whether that be going to college and getting a career, being in ministry fulltime, whatever it is we need to find our vocation. Then it may be God's purpose to join us in marriage with another person.
As women, we need to seek a man that is following God's purpose. This was my first mistake. I have made this mistake several times. I date nonchristians and think I am going to be able to change them or they will be able to change me, but that thinking is so wrong. When we start getting involved with a guy we need to ask ourselves is this man following God's call upon his life? Just like I would hope my future husband would ask that same question about me.Eve was created as a helper for Adam for Fulfilling God's plan. If the guy you are considering or dating doesn't have any convictions or no plan for following God's plan for his life, I would suggest you get out of it. I am going to follow this for now on. I haven't in the past but I am going to now. I am still confused about God's plan for my life and my life is a bit chaotic right now. I am trying to figure out God's calling on my life. I am nowhere near ready for marriage. It hurts but it's true. That's why God is having me wait.
God taught Adam about spiritual compatability. Some people are not meant to be. That is what happened in my case. If God is not the center then it is not right and you should get out. God was not the center. God had no part in the relationship I was in. And if God is not in it then it is not right. I had to learn the hard way and I should've walked away from the relationship way before I did. Compatiblity in relationships is essential. Physical, cultural/racial, emotional, mental, and recreational compatibility are important but not essential Spiritual Compatiblity is essential. God tells us we shouldn't marry outside of our religious background because more than likely they will turn you away from your faith. God won't bless your marriage if he is not the center and you are not following his plan. What does a believer have in common with a nonbeliever? Nothing. So when it comes to relationships and marriage you need to be with someone who has the same beliefs as you. If you are not prepared to live with that person as they are right now with no change in the next 50 years don’t get married. If you think you are going to be able to date a nonchristian and change them when you get married more than likely it won't happen.
Compatibility must be a present reality. Ask yourself some of these questions. Do they pray alot? Do they attend church regularly? Is there faith evident in their life? Are they open about their faith? How about past relationships? Have they been faithful in the past? Have they been in and out of relationships? What's their track record? Are they responsible with money? Irresponsible with money? What are their emotions? Do they suffer from depression? Are they happy? Do they have joy? Are they dependent on alcohol?Does he handle his sexual desires? If he wont take no for an answer now then how do u know he will take no later? If you are a Christian thinking about marrying a man with no intent of having a relationship with Christ then you should reconsider.
We don't get married to become complete. I struggle with this. I always felt like part of me was missing and one day I would meet that "special someone" who would complete me. Truth is only God can complete me. If I feel empty or feel like I am not whole then I am not letting God fill me and I need to let him work in my life. Colossians 2:9 Talks about how Adam wasn't incomplete without the rib that God took to make Eve. We will never find completion in other people. We will find completion in God and God alone. We don't complete them but we definitely compliment them. I want to find affirmation in Christ. For the last four years I have desired the affection of a man and feel incomplete when I am not in a relationship or getting attention from a man. I can find completion in Jesus Christ without being married. I desire to be married someday. I hope that God has a plan for me to get married in the future. I can only hope, pray, prepare myself, and wait.
God is in control of the when in our lives. I struggle with this alot. I like to be in control of things. That is how I got engaged and rushed my life. I wanted to be in control. I had a perfect picture of what my life should be and tried to make it that way. I ended up being empty, cheated on, alone, and farther away from God then I had ever been. Adam didn't have any control over the timing. Just like I don't have any control on the timing of if and when I will meet my future spouse.
There is a process involved. Romans 5:6, “For while we were still helpless at the right time Christ died for the ungodly”. Galatians 4:4,“But when the fullness of time came, God sent forth his son..”God has a purpose for this "waiting game". Even though I get impatient I have to remember that God is working on me during this time. I may get married a year from now, 5 years from now, maybe even longer but God is using this time. My life doesn't start when I get married. It has already started and I need to start living. Maybe God's purpose in this waiting is for me to get out of the debt I am in, get back into school and finish my education, working on character traits still such as having patience, and finding out his plan for my life. I know he has a plan in all this waiting. So when I get impatient and feel like I am going to be alone forever I need to take a step back and remember that God is working in my life and I must let him work in my life instead of me taking control. When I am in control nothing goes right. I want him to be in control of my life and my decisions. I need to let him work in me so I will be ready. It will be unexpected but God will bring that person into my life when I give up my search, give up my control, follow his plan, and wait for his timing.
Sorry this got a bit long. I used bits and pieces from the Sermon and put my own thoughts and reactions to it.
Gigi
Friday, January 13, 2012
Struggle Fest
Today was a very long day. I got up early and sat at the hospital with my Grandma all day. She has a lot of health issues in the past 6 months. She had surgery back around november. That's what started the downward spiral of doctor visits and being hospitalized and assisted living and the list goes on. It has taken a toll on my whole family. My great grandma Grace is the piece that holds our family together. As I sat at the hospital today, she didn't know my name most of the time and the other half she called me my mother and was delusional. Her health problems, hospitalizations, and medications have made her develop early signs of dementia. She has a lot of crazy hallucinations, is delusional, and to be straight forward just isn't her self. She hasn't been herself for awhile.
This has taken a toll on me, and especially my mother. Most of my life I have not seen my mom cry. She's been very strong in 20 years I rarely saw her cry. So it's very hard for me to see my mom cry. Today my mom came up to the hospital and was very emotional. This made me cry and feel helpless. It's one of the WORST feelings in the world to go through.
As I sat up at the hospital I did a lot of thinking. I also did a lot of praying and pleading with God. About my family, my friends, and my life. I see a lot of hurt not only in my life but in alot of my friends lives. I feel helpless. Just when I feel like my life is getting on track, things just get worse. God doesn't give us more than we can handle he also doesnt leave us during our time of trials and tribulations.
I wrestled with God today though. I have had one of the WORST years of my life. Actually two years.I am not saying woe is me or want sympathy AT ALL. I am just saying I was engaged, raped, impregnanted, miscarried, bounced from job to job, had to take a break from school, kicked out of my house, moved back into my house, I am jobless now, everything going on with my grandma, alot of my friends are struggling with several different problems and issues. I just feel like it is never ending. I questioned him and asked him why all of this was happening. Why wasn't he stopping this from happening? Why couldn't he just take my grandma instead of keep her here in pain? I want her to have peace and I want my family to have peace. Why does he let loving and faithful people go through trials after trials? When will it all stop? Will they ever stop? When will I get a job? Will he help me through all of this? Will he give my family peace? The questions were never ending. I felt at peace though. I didn't get answers but I had open ears and waited on him and listened and will continue to do that because my God is faithful. I just have to have patience, which is hard for me.
It's been a trying week to say the least. But I feel closer to the Lord more than I have in a long time. It is friday night tonight. My typical weekend consists of partying and whatever goes along with that. I could have easily went and did that tonight after the kind of day I had. But no, I am sitting at home with my parents relaxing and watching tv. And I am okay with this. I had no need, want, or desire to go out and participate in my friday ritual. Something in my heart is changing and I have a good feeling about it and am going to go with it. So even though I feel like my life is going to crap once again and seems like a "struggle fest" I have to put faith in God and put faith in his timing and his plan. Jeremiah 29:11 always comes to mind. He has plans for all of this and has plans for my life and I have to continue to trust in that. I saw a quote today that I feel is very fitting for my life right now and for the situations that I am facing.
Trust in-HIS timing
Rely-on HIS promises
Wait-for HIS answers
Believe-in HIS miracles
Rejoice-in HIS goodness
Relax-in HIS prescence
Come near to God and he will come near to you -James 4:8
These things can be very hard but I need to remind myself that it's all in his hands and I need to give it all to him. He's got this. Lord knows I don't ha.
I know he will give me strength during this hard time. Even though I feel weak and helpless. The Lord is my strength and my song Exodus 15:2
Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.
Gigi
This has taken a toll on me, and especially my mother. Most of my life I have not seen my mom cry. She's been very strong in 20 years I rarely saw her cry. So it's very hard for me to see my mom cry. Today my mom came up to the hospital and was very emotional. This made me cry and feel helpless. It's one of the WORST feelings in the world to go through.
As I sat up at the hospital I did a lot of thinking. I also did a lot of praying and pleading with God. About my family, my friends, and my life. I see a lot of hurt not only in my life but in alot of my friends lives. I feel helpless. Just when I feel like my life is getting on track, things just get worse. God doesn't give us more than we can handle he also doesnt leave us during our time of trials and tribulations.
I wrestled with God today though. I have had one of the WORST years of my life. Actually two years.I am not saying woe is me or want sympathy AT ALL. I am just saying I was engaged, raped, impregnanted, miscarried, bounced from job to job, had to take a break from school, kicked out of my house, moved back into my house, I am jobless now, everything going on with my grandma, alot of my friends are struggling with several different problems and issues. I just feel like it is never ending. I questioned him and asked him why all of this was happening. Why wasn't he stopping this from happening? Why couldn't he just take my grandma instead of keep her here in pain? I want her to have peace and I want my family to have peace. Why does he let loving and faithful people go through trials after trials? When will it all stop? Will they ever stop? When will I get a job? Will he help me through all of this? Will he give my family peace? The questions were never ending. I felt at peace though. I didn't get answers but I had open ears and waited on him and listened and will continue to do that because my God is faithful. I just have to have patience, which is hard for me.
It's been a trying week to say the least. But I feel closer to the Lord more than I have in a long time. It is friday night tonight. My typical weekend consists of partying and whatever goes along with that. I could have easily went and did that tonight after the kind of day I had. But no, I am sitting at home with my parents relaxing and watching tv. And I am okay with this. I had no need, want, or desire to go out and participate in my friday ritual. Something in my heart is changing and I have a good feeling about it and am going to go with it. So even though I feel like my life is going to crap once again and seems like a "struggle fest" I have to put faith in God and put faith in his timing and his plan. Jeremiah 29:11 always comes to mind. He has plans for all of this and has plans for my life and I have to continue to trust in that. I saw a quote today that I feel is very fitting for my life right now and for the situations that I am facing.
Trust in-HIS timing
Rely-on HIS promises
Wait-for HIS answers
Believe-in HIS miracles
Rejoice-in HIS goodness
Relax-in HIS prescence
Come near to God and he will come near to you -James 4:8
These things can be very hard but I need to remind myself that it's all in his hands and I need to give it all to him. He's got this. Lord knows I don't ha.
I know he will give me strength during this hard time. Even though I feel weak and helpless. The Lord is my strength and my song Exodus 15:2
Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.
Gigi
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Purity
This article really hit home for me today and I thought I would share it with you.
/ Life / Relationships / Features /
"But He (or She) Isn't a Virgin" Debra K. Fileta Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Sexual history isn't everything. Here's how to pursue purity together as a couple.
I recently got an email from a concerned virgin: a young man who is troubled by the sexual sins of his partner’s past. His voice is just one in the choir of hundreds of young men and women I meet and counsel who are bogged down by disappointment at the unreciprocated sexual purity they face in light of their partner’s sexual history.
It's clear that letting go of a partner's sexual past continues to trip up many Christians, both virgins and non-virgins. This truth is illustrated anew in the controversial confessions of Mark and Grace Driscoll's book Real Marriage. They discuss their relationship under the public spotlight, including some of their personal hang-ups and hardships and the effects of premarital sex on their marriage. Though neither were virgins when they married, their prior experiences made Grace "frigid and fearful" and caused Mark to wonder "how many years he could white-knuckle fidelity." One of the most controversial statements occurs when Mark details a dream he had of Grace "sexually sinning during a senior trip she took after high school when [they] had just started dating." When he told his wife about the dream, she confessed that it was true. Mark admits, "Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her."
Whatever criticisms the book may draw, the discussion serves as a reminder that our sexual pasts continue to leave deep scars and painful wounds, even within our modern generation where virginity may not always be the norm.
There are times that we as humans get so fixated on the details that we fail to take in the big picture. As Christians, one area that our narrow perspective has negatively affected has been the topic of sexual purity. Inarguably, sexual purity is a very important thing. God would not have mentioned it time and time again throughout Scriptures if that were not so. He knows the pain and devastation that “sex done wrong” can cause in both short-term and long-term relationships. Yet we as Christians must remember that though it is an important piece to the puzzle of a flourishing marriage, it is by no means the most important factor.
If you are stuck because of pain of your partner’s sexual past, or perhaps feel trapped by your own past, here are some important things to really consider before you take the next step relationally:
Our sexual past is a symptom of who we were, and is not necessarily a reflection of who we are. When I am counseling young couples, this is where I always start. Though a person’s past may add a lot to the dynamics of who they become, the most important factor to consider is who is standing before you today? I have seen countless young people pass up potentially solid relationships because of the fact that they could not get over the idea of marrying a “non-virgin.” On the opposite spectrum, I have seen entire relationships founded on the basis of mutual sexual purity, when there were so many other major dysfunctions in the relationship that were overlooked and simply dimmed in comparison to the spotlight of “purity.” Our tendency to get hung up on the details can be devastating.
Beyond the scope of sexual past, one must consider who a person is in their present. We serve a God of grace and mercy, a God who uproots us from our old selfish life and plants us into the soil of holiness and righteousness. For those who are in a true relationship with Jesus, sexual past can no longer be the defining point of their lives. They are now defined by their relationship with Jesus Christ, a relationship that should be overflowing from every part of their current being—growing, sanctifying, maturing and equipping them to be the person that God has called them to be. Look for that Spirit-filled relationship in every single part of your partner’s life and allow that to be the source of decision making when it comes to laying the foundations for a dating relationship. Purity is a condition of the heart, of the mind and of the spirit more than a simple category of one’s physical experiences.
Our inability to forgive our partner’s sexual past (or our own) may be a sign of a heart issue that has nothing to do with sexuality. I once heard it said that someone who cannot forgive themselves for their past is not struggling with the sin of guilt, but with the sin of pride. Pride is the voice that tells us that what has been done is too great of a sin to be covered by God’s grace. As though our sins were more powerful than the blood that He shed. Pride is also at the root of a heart who cannot forgive another for the sins committed against them.
If you find yourself stuck on your partner’s sexual past, you must ask yourself if you have really accepted and understood God’s grace in your own life. Like the story of the unforgiving servant who had an enormous debt wiped out, yet could not manage to forgive the debt of his own servant (Matthew 18). Though your past may look different than the past of your partner, God’s grace has covered you both. If you cannot learn to love your partner by covering them in grace, then purity of body has taken priority over purity of heart. If I remember correctly, Jesus always looks at the heart (John 8:1-11).
Our sexual history will always affect us, though it doesn’t always have to haunt us. I don’t want to make it sound like those who have had a sexual past will be dismissed of all consequences, because that is simply untrue. Ask any Christ-centered married couple in which one or both partners have dabbled sexually outside of marriage and they will be able to point to the consequences of that behavior. We who have purposely and deliberately awakened our sexual desires to any extent before marriage will bring an additional component to matrimony that will undoubtedly be added to the list of “things to work through.” That said, anyone who enters into marriage brings their own list of things to work through, whether it be a sexual past, family problems, past sins, spending habits, communication deficits and on and on and on ... Who of us is perfect when it comes to purity of the mind, body and soul? Though these things may have an effect on our relationship, it is up to us whether or not we allow these effects to bring us into relational blessings or relational struggles.
When it comes to purity, it would do us all good to remind ourselves to look at the big picture. There is no doubt that Jesus calls us to live a life of sexual purity. He loves relationships, and He wants us to go into them with as little baggage as possible because He knows the difficulties that come when two flawed human beings are made to become one. With that in mind, knowing our flaws and knowing the nature of our flesh, He loves us anyway, takes us back again and again and empowers us to live holy and righteous lives in the here and now. Look for that kind of purity in your pursuit of relationships: a purity that permeates every part of your partner's life, a purity that is dictated by who they are in Christ today, not just by where they have come from; a purity that has room for grace, mercy and forgiveness.
Debra K. Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in relationships and marital issues. She lives with her husband and daughter in Hershey, PA. Visit her blog at DebsLessonsLearned.blogspot.com.
Sexual history is not everything. Everybody has a past. Whether they have refrained from sex or not. We have a sinful nature. If a woman is dressed provactively and is walking down the street a man is more than likely is going to look and more than likely have lustful desires and thoughts for her. Or if a very attractive man without a shirt on is running past you while you drive in your car you might start think "dang hes hott" and start have wandering thoughts.
"Our sexual past is a symptom of who we were, and is not necessarily a reflection of who we are." This quote is worded well. Whether someone has dabbled into sexual sin once or more than once maybe even a lot that doesn't mean that's who they are now. People make mistakes. They sin. Some fall into sexual sin with one,or several partners, some fall into masturbation, pornography, lustful thoughts. etc. Whatever it is that doesn't mean they can't move on from their past sins and that doesn't mean thats who they are now.
It really offends me when Christian people, or even non Christians say I would never consider dating, or even marrying someone who isn't a virgin. Being a victim of sexual assault and experiencing a lot of issues from that it hurts. I know I have made mistakes after what happened to me but that doesn't mean I don't have a pure heart. I used to be one of those people. I used to be a very strong Christian woman who lived my life following the bible. I always told myself I would never marry a non virgin. I would tell others that.I would basically preach it.
Then I went off to college. A christian college where I thought it would be a safe haven and I wouldn't experience the typical "college life". I was so wrong. I stopped going to church. I started partying. I started letting boys be the number one thing in my life. This is exactly what I didn't want to be a part of. And I started being a part of it. The holy spirit inside me and my convictions started to blur and fade away. I just kept falling deeper and deeper and I didn't have any problem with it and I didn't see any consequences to what I was doing. I enventually fell in love with a non christian, which I told myself I would never do. And let him be in control of my life. I didn't even know if I had faith anymore. I stopped going to church, except for holidays. And going to church was just a bother. I hated going. I felt like everyone was judgemental and I just didn't want to be a part of it anymore.
This is when temptation and sexual sin began. I thought I was in love, but I was in lust. Sex was a big part of my life, I'm not proud of it. But it is part of my testimony now. Towards the end of this toxic relationship where I was engaged and impregnanted, I was also sexually assaulted. I lashed out after this. I continued to make horrible decisions and drank alcohol to numb my pain from all of this. Sex does not come without consequences. Our sexual history will always affect us, though it doesn’t always have to haunt us. I will probably always struggle with the pain from my past experiences and have alot of emotional issues but that doesn't mean I can't go on with my life, and love again. And this time actual love. Jesus can heal, and clothe me in righteousness. Doesn't mean I am not gonna struggle, but at least I don't have to face that struggle alone.
So I would ask people to have open minds about dating and marrying nonvirgins. NO sin is greater than the other. Whether you lie, cheat, have sex, steal, watch pornography, anything. Sin is sin. I don't want you to have an open mind about sin. But I would ask you to have an open mind about grace and forgivness.
I would hope someday my future husband, if it's God's plan for me to get married, would be that he would forgive me for past sins. As for me if I end up getting close with someone who has a past like I do I would forgive him. I don't want to be prideful and not forgive. We are all sinners whether we have past sexual sins or not. So be kind and be forgiving.
I feel like there is a gap in our generation. I grew up in a christian home where I had a purity ring and was very blessed to have parents who were bible based Christians who loved Jesus. They told me to wait to have sex. I was waiting. I feel like once people go to college they are surrounded by so much crap. Sex, drugs, alcohol, you name it. It grosses me out now that I have experienced some of those things. I don't want anybody to have to go through what I went through. So my question is how do you think we could fill this gap and reach out to college students and young adults and let them know they don't have to live a life like this? I am not being a hypocrite when I say things like this, because I know I struggle on a daily basis with these things. I just wish I would of had someone to help me through my college years and so I wouldnt of had to go through this crap. I am here if anybody needs guidance or wants to talk So how do we begin to fill this gap? What teaching can we teach that is not being taught? Positive feedback/negative feedback is welcomed.
Gigi
/ Life / Relationships / Features /
"But He (or She) Isn't a Virgin" Debra K. Fileta Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Sexual history isn't everything. Here's how to pursue purity together as a couple.
I recently got an email from a concerned virgin: a young man who is troubled by the sexual sins of his partner’s past. His voice is just one in the choir of hundreds of young men and women I meet and counsel who are bogged down by disappointment at the unreciprocated sexual purity they face in light of their partner’s sexual history.
It's clear that letting go of a partner's sexual past continues to trip up many Christians, both virgins and non-virgins. This truth is illustrated anew in the controversial confessions of Mark and Grace Driscoll's book Real Marriage. They discuss their relationship under the public spotlight, including some of their personal hang-ups and hardships and the effects of premarital sex on their marriage. Though neither were virgins when they married, their prior experiences made Grace "frigid and fearful" and caused Mark to wonder "how many years he could white-knuckle fidelity." One of the most controversial statements occurs when Mark details a dream he had of Grace "sexually sinning during a senior trip she took after high school when [they] had just started dating." When he told his wife about the dream, she confessed that it was true. Mark admits, "Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her."
Whatever criticisms the book may draw, the discussion serves as a reminder that our sexual pasts continue to leave deep scars and painful wounds, even within our modern generation where virginity may not always be the norm.
There are times that we as humans get so fixated on the details that we fail to take in the big picture. As Christians, one area that our narrow perspective has negatively affected has been the topic of sexual purity. Inarguably, sexual purity is a very important thing. God would not have mentioned it time and time again throughout Scriptures if that were not so. He knows the pain and devastation that “sex done wrong” can cause in both short-term and long-term relationships. Yet we as Christians must remember that though it is an important piece to the puzzle of a flourishing marriage, it is by no means the most important factor.
If you are stuck because of pain of your partner’s sexual past, or perhaps feel trapped by your own past, here are some important things to really consider before you take the next step relationally:
Our sexual past is a symptom of who we were, and is not necessarily a reflection of who we are. When I am counseling young couples, this is where I always start. Though a person’s past may add a lot to the dynamics of who they become, the most important factor to consider is who is standing before you today? I have seen countless young people pass up potentially solid relationships because of the fact that they could not get over the idea of marrying a “non-virgin.” On the opposite spectrum, I have seen entire relationships founded on the basis of mutual sexual purity, when there were so many other major dysfunctions in the relationship that were overlooked and simply dimmed in comparison to the spotlight of “purity.” Our tendency to get hung up on the details can be devastating.
Beyond the scope of sexual past, one must consider who a person is in their present. We serve a God of grace and mercy, a God who uproots us from our old selfish life and plants us into the soil of holiness and righteousness. For those who are in a true relationship with Jesus, sexual past can no longer be the defining point of their lives. They are now defined by their relationship with Jesus Christ, a relationship that should be overflowing from every part of their current being—growing, sanctifying, maturing and equipping them to be the person that God has called them to be. Look for that Spirit-filled relationship in every single part of your partner’s life and allow that to be the source of decision making when it comes to laying the foundations for a dating relationship. Purity is a condition of the heart, of the mind and of the spirit more than a simple category of one’s physical experiences.
Our inability to forgive our partner’s sexual past (or our own) may be a sign of a heart issue that has nothing to do with sexuality. I once heard it said that someone who cannot forgive themselves for their past is not struggling with the sin of guilt, but with the sin of pride. Pride is the voice that tells us that what has been done is too great of a sin to be covered by God’s grace. As though our sins were more powerful than the blood that He shed. Pride is also at the root of a heart who cannot forgive another for the sins committed against them.
If you find yourself stuck on your partner’s sexual past, you must ask yourself if you have really accepted and understood God’s grace in your own life. Like the story of the unforgiving servant who had an enormous debt wiped out, yet could not manage to forgive the debt of his own servant (Matthew 18). Though your past may look different than the past of your partner, God’s grace has covered you both. If you cannot learn to love your partner by covering them in grace, then purity of body has taken priority over purity of heart. If I remember correctly, Jesus always looks at the heart (John 8:1-11).
Our sexual history will always affect us, though it doesn’t always have to haunt us. I don’t want to make it sound like those who have had a sexual past will be dismissed of all consequences, because that is simply untrue. Ask any Christ-centered married couple in which one or both partners have dabbled sexually outside of marriage and they will be able to point to the consequences of that behavior. We who have purposely and deliberately awakened our sexual desires to any extent before marriage will bring an additional component to matrimony that will undoubtedly be added to the list of “things to work through.” That said, anyone who enters into marriage brings their own list of things to work through, whether it be a sexual past, family problems, past sins, spending habits, communication deficits and on and on and on ... Who of us is perfect when it comes to purity of the mind, body and soul? Though these things may have an effect on our relationship, it is up to us whether or not we allow these effects to bring us into relational blessings or relational struggles.
When it comes to purity, it would do us all good to remind ourselves to look at the big picture. There is no doubt that Jesus calls us to live a life of sexual purity. He loves relationships, and He wants us to go into them with as little baggage as possible because He knows the difficulties that come when two flawed human beings are made to become one. With that in mind, knowing our flaws and knowing the nature of our flesh, He loves us anyway, takes us back again and again and empowers us to live holy and righteous lives in the here and now. Look for that kind of purity in your pursuit of relationships: a purity that permeates every part of your partner's life, a purity that is dictated by who they are in Christ today, not just by where they have come from; a purity that has room for grace, mercy and forgiveness.
Debra K. Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in relationships and marital issues. She lives with her husband and daughter in Hershey, PA. Visit her blog at DebsLessonsLearned.blogspot.com.
Sexual history is not everything. Everybody has a past. Whether they have refrained from sex or not. We have a sinful nature. If a woman is dressed provactively and is walking down the street a man is more than likely is going to look and more than likely have lustful desires and thoughts for her. Or if a very attractive man without a shirt on is running past you while you drive in your car you might start think "dang hes hott" and start have wandering thoughts.
"Our sexual past is a symptom of who we were, and is not necessarily a reflection of who we are." This quote is worded well. Whether someone has dabbled into sexual sin once or more than once maybe even a lot that doesn't mean that's who they are now. People make mistakes. They sin. Some fall into sexual sin with one,or several partners, some fall into masturbation, pornography, lustful thoughts. etc. Whatever it is that doesn't mean they can't move on from their past sins and that doesn't mean thats who they are now.
It really offends me when Christian people, or even non Christians say I would never consider dating, or even marrying someone who isn't a virgin. Being a victim of sexual assault and experiencing a lot of issues from that it hurts. I know I have made mistakes after what happened to me but that doesn't mean I don't have a pure heart. I used to be one of those people. I used to be a very strong Christian woman who lived my life following the bible. I always told myself I would never marry a non virgin. I would tell others that.I would basically preach it.
Then I went off to college. A christian college where I thought it would be a safe haven and I wouldn't experience the typical "college life". I was so wrong. I stopped going to church. I started partying. I started letting boys be the number one thing in my life. This is exactly what I didn't want to be a part of. And I started being a part of it. The holy spirit inside me and my convictions started to blur and fade away. I just kept falling deeper and deeper and I didn't have any problem with it and I didn't see any consequences to what I was doing. I enventually fell in love with a non christian, which I told myself I would never do. And let him be in control of my life. I didn't even know if I had faith anymore. I stopped going to church, except for holidays. And going to church was just a bother. I hated going. I felt like everyone was judgemental and I just didn't want to be a part of it anymore.
This is when temptation and sexual sin began. I thought I was in love, but I was in lust. Sex was a big part of my life, I'm not proud of it. But it is part of my testimony now. Towards the end of this toxic relationship where I was engaged and impregnanted, I was also sexually assaulted. I lashed out after this. I continued to make horrible decisions and drank alcohol to numb my pain from all of this. Sex does not come without consequences. Our sexual history will always affect us, though it doesn’t always have to haunt us. I will probably always struggle with the pain from my past experiences and have alot of emotional issues but that doesn't mean I can't go on with my life, and love again. And this time actual love. Jesus can heal, and clothe me in righteousness. Doesn't mean I am not gonna struggle, but at least I don't have to face that struggle alone.
So I would ask people to have open minds about dating and marrying nonvirgins. NO sin is greater than the other. Whether you lie, cheat, have sex, steal, watch pornography, anything. Sin is sin. I don't want you to have an open mind about sin. But I would ask you to have an open mind about grace and forgivness.
I would hope someday my future husband, if it's God's plan for me to get married, would be that he would forgive me for past sins. As for me if I end up getting close with someone who has a past like I do I would forgive him. I don't want to be prideful and not forgive. We are all sinners whether we have past sexual sins or not. So be kind and be forgiving.
I feel like there is a gap in our generation. I grew up in a christian home where I had a purity ring and was very blessed to have parents who were bible based Christians who loved Jesus. They told me to wait to have sex. I was waiting. I feel like once people go to college they are surrounded by so much crap. Sex, drugs, alcohol, you name it. It grosses me out now that I have experienced some of those things. I don't want anybody to have to go through what I went through. So my question is how do you think we could fill this gap and reach out to college students and young adults and let them know they don't have to live a life like this? I am not being a hypocrite when I say things like this, because I know I struggle on a daily basis with these things. I just wish I would of had someone to help me through my college years and so I wouldnt of had to go through this crap. I am here if anybody needs guidance or wants to talk So how do we begin to fill this gap? What teaching can we teach that is not being taught? Positive feedback/negative feedback is welcomed.
Gigi
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Forgiveness
Forgiveness. A simple word. Something not so easy to do. One of my new years resolutions is to forgive freely and don't hold grudges. So why is it so hard to forgive? Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross so that I could be forgiven for all the crap I have done in my life. Even after knowing what he did for me, I still have a very hard time forgiving. I have a hard time forgiving certain people. Most of the time I am pretty forgiving. But if somehow someone hurt me so bad I will not just act like everything is okay.In particuliar, I want to forgive the one person I have hated for almost a year. I don't want this person in my life anymore, not even the thought of him. I want to forgive him and move on so that I can live a fruitful and happy life. I still can't forgive him. I've tried over and over and over again. I still can't do it. Does that mean I am weak? People say that once you let go of a grudge you are holding you will feel so free. I feel like I am in shackles. I just want to be set free of this burden and forgive. He doesn't care about my forgiveness. But for me to have peace in my heart, soul, and mind I need to work on forgiving. I don't know how I am going to do it. I am going to try and forgive him like Jesus forgives me on a daily basis for all the mistakes I make. Hopefully one day I will have the courage and strength to forgive him, bury it, and let it go. I made progress, but I have slowly digressing back to old habits. I recently opened my heart back up for love. Everything felt so right, except for the fact that he did not care about me the way I thought he did and did not care about my first love, Jesus. I hadn't felt this way since, well you know, the boy who I will not name. I was extremly crushed. I blamed God, when God had nothing to do with it except was waiting for me to realize I deserve better and that he has a MUCH better plan for me. Even if I don't know what that plan is. I forgive this man. You can't force someone to love you when it isn't right, just like Jesus can't force us to follow him. I forgive my parents for all the crap they put me through this year. I just hope that they would have compassion on me for everything I have done. I will have to be accountable for everything I have done eventually. I forgive friends who have wronged me in the past and who will wrong me in the future. In order to be more forgiving I need to have compassion and love selflessly. With the help of Jesus I know i can forgive this person. But it's going to take time, and a lot of healing. Am I the only one who struggles with forgiveness? Sometimes I feel like everybody has everything together and that they are perfect and always forgive those who have hurt them. Well I guess I am not one of those people. I used to think forgiveness was so easy. Until I let my heart harden and became numb. Until I let a human being hurt me so bad I didn't think I could ever be fixed again. But guess what? I am fixable, loveable, and Jesus loves me more than any man could. I need to remind myself of that. The next time I hold a grudge or say I don't think I could ever forgive that person for what they did. Think again. Jesus forgives us on a daily basis several times a day. What if he hardened his heart and said he didn't want to forgive me, or he hadn't sacrificed himself on the cross for my sins. Where would I be now? And what gives me the right to not forgive? I am working on it. It is not easy. It might be one of the hardest things I have had to do. But I want to forgive, move on, and have peace in my heart.
Gigi
Gigi
Sunday, January 8, 2012
New Start
Hello :)
I know it has been a VERY long time since I blogged. Blogging used to be one of my passions. I lost that passion after my life went to pieces. I am nowhere near being healed but I am in the process. I am trying to find rediscover old passions and discover new ones. I looked in all the wrong places for "temporary happiness". I looked to alcohol, boys who used me and didn't really care about me, and friends that only liked me if I was partying. I have dated guys completely wrong for me, done things I am not proud of, and I can't take any of that back. But I can change from my old ways and try and be a better me.
It is 2012. I can't believe I will be 22 this upcoming march. I feel SOOO old. I feel like I haven't accomplished much with my life either. Today something hit me. I don't know if it was the Lord intervening or if it was just an epiphany, maybe a little bit of both but I know that it hit me hard in the face. I need to stop mourning what I lost and start appreciating everything in my life and what I have been blessed with. I have so much that I want to do with my life. The Lord has not given up on me and he wants to work in my life, even if I am one of the most stubborn people on this earth and like to do things my way. I need to stop searching and just live. I need to live and enjoy every moment of life whether those moments are good or bad. When I am going through hell. Praise him. When I am going through some of the best moments of my life. Praise him. When I am at a crossroad in my life. Praise him. Moral of the story is no matter what I am going through I need to look to him, seek him, and praise him. I have been doing things my way for far too long. I am kind of a control freak and like things done my way. We have seen how that has gone. ha. I know I am going to struggle and nothing is EVER going to be perfect. But that is the beauty of life. That not everything is always going to go my way but thats okay because I learn through the tough times and know that there is a purpose for everything under the sun.
I created my bucket list. This has been a long time coming. I always thought about making one but never really took the time and sat down and wrote one. I wrote a rough draft of one today ha. I will be editing it, typing it up, and adding to it constantly. I want to live life with the passion I had before I went to college. I had so much potential and so much passion and that was all lost within the last four years. I would like to get that back. It's not going to be easy but I am not looking for easy I am looking for possible. I know I cannot take back anything I have done but I can learn from it and use it as a testimony :)
So thats where you, yes you :) come in. I need LOTS AND LOTS of support. I would like to find a church to go to, nothing against Abiding Savior because they have guided me throughout most of my life, but they have a gap there. I am looking for a strong, bible based church where there is an abudance of young adults my age who seek Jesus and have a passion and a heart for him and a passion for people. I would like to find accountability partners. People I can go to to help me through anything life throws at me. Im looking for people that are honest with me, that wont sugar coat things because people have been sugar coating things for me for far too long. I am looking for friends who want the same things as me and I want Jesus to work in us.
Heres to the new year and to finding myself :) finally
Gigi
I know it has been a VERY long time since I blogged. Blogging used to be one of my passions. I lost that passion after my life went to pieces. I am nowhere near being healed but I am in the process. I am trying to find rediscover old passions and discover new ones. I looked in all the wrong places for "temporary happiness". I looked to alcohol, boys who used me and didn't really care about me, and friends that only liked me if I was partying. I have dated guys completely wrong for me, done things I am not proud of, and I can't take any of that back. But I can change from my old ways and try and be a better me.
It is 2012. I can't believe I will be 22 this upcoming march. I feel SOOO old. I feel like I haven't accomplished much with my life either. Today something hit me. I don't know if it was the Lord intervening or if it was just an epiphany, maybe a little bit of both but I know that it hit me hard in the face. I need to stop mourning what I lost and start appreciating everything in my life and what I have been blessed with. I have so much that I want to do with my life. The Lord has not given up on me and he wants to work in my life, even if I am one of the most stubborn people on this earth and like to do things my way. I need to stop searching and just live. I need to live and enjoy every moment of life whether those moments are good or bad. When I am going through hell. Praise him. When I am going through some of the best moments of my life. Praise him. When I am at a crossroad in my life. Praise him. Moral of the story is no matter what I am going through I need to look to him, seek him, and praise him. I have been doing things my way for far too long. I am kind of a control freak and like things done my way. We have seen how that has gone. ha. I know I am going to struggle and nothing is EVER going to be perfect. But that is the beauty of life. That not everything is always going to go my way but thats okay because I learn through the tough times and know that there is a purpose for everything under the sun.
I created my bucket list. This has been a long time coming. I always thought about making one but never really took the time and sat down and wrote one. I wrote a rough draft of one today ha. I will be editing it, typing it up, and adding to it constantly. I want to live life with the passion I had before I went to college. I had so much potential and so much passion and that was all lost within the last four years. I would like to get that back. It's not going to be easy but I am not looking for easy I am looking for possible. I know I cannot take back anything I have done but I can learn from it and use it as a testimony :)
So thats where you, yes you :) come in. I need LOTS AND LOTS of support. I would like to find a church to go to, nothing against Abiding Savior because they have guided me throughout most of my life, but they have a gap there. I am looking for a strong, bible based church where there is an abudance of young adults my age who seek Jesus and have a passion and a heart for him and a passion for people. I would like to find accountability partners. People I can go to to help me through anything life throws at me. Im looking for people that are honest with me, that wont sugar coat things because people have been sugar coating things for me for far too long. I am looking for friends who want the same things as me and I want Jesus to work in us.
Heres to the new year and to finding myself :) finally
Gigi
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