I've been through a lot this past year. I met the guy I thought would be the love of my life and the mean I would marry and dated him for three years on and off. I was engaged, I had my ring,I started to plan my wedding, and I had picked out my dress. We had a long distance relationship and we had a lot of trust in eachother. He would visit me all of the time and we always had a lot of fun together. Since we had a long distance relationship seeing eachother was always very special. I stayed with him in march for spring break. We were having a great time. One night while I was staying there his roommates had a party. I was very intoxicated and my fiance at the time just kept feeding me more and more alcohol. I remember leaving my drink sitting and coming back to it later that night. After I drank it, I felt very dizzy and blacked out. My fiance at the time would not take care of me. I begged him to help me because I was feeling very sick and dizzy but he wouldn't. I slept for a lil bit on and off and then woke up and was able to walk out. I remember walking out to the party to my fiance hugging and kissing over a girl that I had recognized and he told me was just a "friend." Ifreaked out on him and he pushed me in his room and I was taken advantage of that night. I remember screaming no and asking for help but no one helped me. I said no because I was so upset that he was cheating on me and I had a right to say no. But at the time I felt like it was my fault. Like I had done something for him to do that to me. I was also intoxicated so I didn't think anybody would believe me. The next morning I went thru his phone and read all of his text messages. He had been cheating on me with several women and was texting several women and was also talking behind my back in these text messages. I confronted him about it and he denied the whole thing and kept denying it. was in so much physical and emotional pain. I couldnt even comprehend what was going on and my whole body went numb. He went to work and I layed in his bed all day while he was at work since I was stuck in missouri and nobody would come get me. He kept texting me denying everything and saying sorry. I didn't buy it. When he got off work I begged hm to tell me why he did it but he would not. So eventually I gave him his ring back and asked him to take me to the bus station so I could go home. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. This was the man I thought was the love of my life and I had to say bye to him forever. Him and I continued to text and talk on the phone and begged for eachother back but we didn't get back together and that was for the best. Three weeks later he started dating one of the chicks he cheated on me with and to this day I think he is still dating her but I have no idea. After this tramautic experience I found out I was pregnant. I was under so much stress that I did not pass my final for nursing and was asked to leave the program. I was extremly crushed because this was what I had been wanting to do my whole life and I had stayed for the nursing program instead of moving to missouri for my ex. I couldn't understand why ths was happening. Also, four months into my pregnancy I found out I was having a girl who I named peyton lynn. I ended up going into early labor and texted my ex telling him I went into labor. He told me he didn't want to have anything to do with it and told me to leave him alone. My baby eventually died and that was a very hard experience for me. I ended up having to go through a heck of a lot of therapy to help me through this tramuatic experience. I suffer with maniac depression, I am bipolar, suffer from post tramuatic stress disorder, and have a paniac and anxiety disorder. I am on serveral medications but I have stopped going to therapy as of now. Over the summer I thought I was getting better. I had lost a lot of weight, I had dyed my hair blonde, and was working full time as a lifeguard, and was making a lot of new friends. This past summer was the best summer of my life up until the end of the summer. Then I started getting involved in drinking alot and getting involved with a lot of guys I probably shouldn't have. I recently got with an ex who was very physically and emotionally abusive and very controlling. Needless to say I don't have the best luck with guys. I don't have a lot of self respect or self esteem because of everything that has happened to me over the past year. Also, I was kicked out of my house and was homeless for a bit until my aunt took me in. I am still trying to figure out my living arrangements and will hopefully have a place of my own soon. I have been losing a lot of friends because of the choices I have made and I take full responsibility for that but I thought friends were supposed to stick by you through thick and thin? I am also taking a semester off from school. I was in the LPN program through southeast tech but one of the teachers told me i didnt look professional enough to be in the program so I decided to take a semester off. She really offended me and after all I had been through over the last year I could not handle this. Now I am working full time at b and g milkyway until it closes and am living paycheck to paycheck. My life right now is not easy but I am taking it step by step, day by day, and minute by minute. Everyone has been quite judgemental towards me lately. Maybe you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. Sometimes you have to look deeper to see why people really are the way they are. I may not be making the best of decisons right now but maybe there is a reason and I have been through alot and am still trying to heal from all of this pain. I thought I was over it but I am not. But even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.
Gigi
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Pure Bride
Much too often people view a single woman as though she should be pitied rather than envied. This is far from the truth. A single woman has the advantage of being able to develop her love relationship with Christ without the distractions that a husband or family brng to one's heart. God desires to know us as women. Satan's first attack upon the human race was sly effort to destroy Eve's confidence in the kindness of God. Satan is continuing to lie to Eve's daughters. This is alienating women from the One who loves them as they need to be loved. Deep within a woman's soul there is a longing for a gentle embrace of the God Who Is, not that God that the enemy has devised. Boaz spoke of Ruth's devotion to God when he said,
"May the Lord reward your work, and your wages be full from the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to seek refuge." Ruth 2:12
Ruth clung to Naomi's God as her own even though her mother-in-law spoke negatively about him.
"And she said to them, 'Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara[bitter], for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, but the Lord has brought me back empty.. the Lord has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted me?'" Ruth 1:20-21.
Will you be devoted to God like Naomi? Naomi was very bitter towards God. "If we think of God as cold and exacting, we shall find it impossible to love Him, and our lives will be ridden with fear." Our past experiences, present circumstances, or parent's devotion or lack thereof may cause us to have an incorrect view of God. The only way we can discover who we really our and who God really is is by taking refuge and devoting our lives to him.
As a single woman, I have a wonderful oppurtunity to use my time to fellowship with God. When you love someone, you give them your heart, the center of your being. God asks for no less from us. He desires a totally devoted heart. Deuteronomy 6:5 says,
"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."
He was us to love him with our hearts, our souls, and all our of strength.
In order for us to love Jesus with true love, we must know him intimately. In Philippians 3:10 Paul expressed the desire to "know" God. Paul was desiring to know God intimately. In Second Peter 1:3 it says that everything pertaining to life and godliness is yours "through the true knowledge of him." In Genesis 4:1 when Scripture speaks of the intimate relations Eve had when she "knew" or "had been with" her husband. Do you have a devotion to God that causes people to marvel at how intimately you know Him? Do you know God in a way that causes Him to be an intimate, personal part of your being as yu may desire a husband to be one day? I know that I desire that more than anything. I desire to know God intimately and personal.
As women, we have been created with a desire to be known, not just in a physical way, but deeply known and intimately known. Most woman believe that a man will fill this for them someday. I have believed this lie over and over again. I has searched for guys just because I wanted them to fill this part of my heart and I wanted them to fill my longings. The truth is no man can fill this. Only God can fill this deep longing. God knows our deep longings for intimate love. He is the lover our of our souls and can fill this need completely.
Our father is incapable of doing evil. He loves us and forgives us completely and forgets confessed sins and grievances. Is this the God that you know? If we retract in fear, try to hide things, and give excuses when we do something we feel God would not like, it shows that our knowledge of Chris is inaccurate. I struggle with this sometimes. Sometimes I feel so ashamed because I did things that God definitely would not like that I stop praying to him or start being more distant. This is not the way I should handle it. I should cry out to him and ask for his forgiveness.
God wants to do us good not evil. Jeremiah 29:11 says He wants to give us a future and a hope. Has your wrong picture of God been invented by the enemy in order to rob you of a true knowledge and love of God? Let us not be decieved like Eve in the garden. Get to know the One your heart truely desires to love. For us to love God we must know Him intimately, personally, and devotedly. This requires us to get to know Him by seeking Him.
Seeking God is very similiar to developing a friendship. We can talk to him, listen to Him, write eachother letters, think about eachother, and many other things. Jeremiah 29:12-13 promises that a woman who diligently seeks God with all her heart and will find Him. Our hearts are the key to devotion to God. To find God we must seek him with our whole heart. A halfhearted search is not sufficient. We can't being doing our own thing and trying to seek God at the time. We need to give up ourselves and seek God and only Him. We have to seek him 365 days our of the year. Not 363 or 364. Giving Christ your heart means you are not free to give it away to other things or people that come into our lives. If other people get in the way then we are making idols for ourselves. Devoting our lives to Christ means giving everything or nothing at all.
If we are to know God intimately, then we must seek Him, not only with a whole heart, but also with a clean heart. When we think of the word Bride we think, beautiful, clean, pure woman in white. No grime or dirt but the image of purity. As Christians we are part of the Bride of Christ. Any grime or dirt of sin will mar our image before him. In order to be the Bride of Christ we must clean up any blot of sin that may arise between you and your heavenly sweetheart. Sin causes God to back away from a person. Sin is disgusting to Him. He will not abide with it. If you want your devotion to God to be complete, don't merely brush at sin lightly. Get in there and confess it, clean it up, and clear it out. Get rid of it period. Psalm 51:10 says, " Creat in me a clean heart, O God. "
To grow in your knowledge of God, you must seek God correctly, which means you must also seek Him with pure heart. A woman with a pure heart for God does not focus on what He gives, but delights in who He is. I want to have a pure heart and delight in who He is. To find God, you must seek Him with pure motives. Seek Him for who He is, not just for what He can do for you. I struggle with this I focus on what he can do for me constantly but I want to seek Him for who He is.
If you want to get to know the Lord, you must seek Him not only with a whole, clean, and pure heart, but also with a listening heart. During your God are you learning to listen to God? When I would pray to Him I used to just ask for things and talk about myself but He is really showing me how to listen to Him and giving me a listening heart. As a result, my devotion to Him grows and grows and it can do the same for you.
Singleness is not a curse. Singleness puts us in a advantageous position because, more than likely, we are able to spend much more time to seek the Lord now than we ever will be when we are married. The word of God illustrates the advantageous position of the single woman in relation to life. "...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of the world-how she can please her husband." -1 Corinthians 7:34. God says the unmarried woman has the advantage when it comes to her devotion to the Lord. A single woman can give the Lord what a married woman rarely can-undistracted devotion. The time to devleop a consistent devotional life cannot wait until we are married. Many single women waste valuable years as they "wait for life to begin". I myself have wasted time searching for guys and "waiting for my life to begin" but my life has already began.
I used to hate being single. I really really hated it. I felt like all my other friends were in relationships and I was being left behind. This is when God transformed my heart. God is blessing me with precious time. Once I have found "Mr. Right" I will never have this special time again. I want to come into His chambers, delight in His prescence. Im sorry this got long once I started writing I just couldn't stop.
In his love,
Grace
I took little bits and pieces from Lady In Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall.
"May the Lord reward your work, and your wages be full from the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to seek refuge." Ruth 2:12
Ruth clung to Naomi's God as her own even though her mother-in-law spoke negatively about him.
"And she said to them, 'Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara[bitter], for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, but the Lord has brought me back empty.. the Lord has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted me?'" Ruth 1:20-21.
Will you be devoted to God like Naomi? Naomi was very bitter towards God. "If we think of God as cold and exacting, we shall find it impossible to love Him, and our lives will be ridden with fear." Our past experiences, present circumstances, or parent's devotion or lack thereof may cause us to have an incorrect view of God. The only way we can discover who we really our and who God really is is by taking refuge and devoting our lives to him.
As a single woman, I have a wonderful oppurtunity to use my time to fellowship with God. When you love someone, you give them your heart, the center of your being. God asks for no less from us. He desires a totally devoted heart. Deuteronomy 6:5 says,
"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."
He was us to love him with our hearts, our souls, and all our of strength.
In order for us to love Jesus with true love, we must know him intimately. In Philippians 3:10 Paul expressed the desire to "know" God. Paul was desiring to know God intimately. In Second Peter 1:3 it says that everything pertaining to life and godliness is yours "through the true knowledge of him." In Genesis 4:1 when Scripture speaks of the intimate relations Eve had when she "knew" or "had been with" her husband. Do you have a devotion to God that causes people to marvel at how intimately you know Him? Do you know God in a way that causes Him to be an intimate, personal part of your being as yu may desire a husband to be one day? I know that I desire that more than anything. I desire to know God intimately and personal.
As women, we have been created with a desire to be known, not just in a physical way, but deeply known and intimately known. Most woman believe that a man will fill this for them someday. I have believed this lie over and over again. I has searched for guys just because I wanted them to fill this part of my heart and I wanted them to fill my longings. The truth is no man can fill this. Only God can fill this deep longing. God knows our deep longings for intimate love. He is the lover our of our souls and can fill this need completely.
Our father is incapable of doing evil. He loves us and forgives us completely and forgets confessed sins and grievances. Is this the God that you know? If we retract in fear, try to hide things, and give excuses when we do something we feel God would not like, it shows that our knowledge of Chris is inaccurate. I struggle with this sometimes. Sometimes I feel so ashamed because I did things that God definitely would not like that I stop praying to him or start being more distant. This is not the way I should handle it. I should cry out to him and ask for his forgiveness.
God wants to do us good not evil. Jeremiah 29:11 says He wants to give us a future and a hope. Has your wrong picture of God been invented by the enemy in order to rob you of a true knowledge and love of God? Let us not be decieved like Eve in the garden. Get to know the One your heart truely desires to love. For us to love God we must know Him intimately, personally, and devotedly. This requires us to get to know Him by seeking Him.
Seeking God is very similiar to developing a friendship. We can talk to him, listen to Him, write eachother letters, think about eachother, and many other things. Jeremiah 29:12-13 promises that a woman who diligently seeks God with all her heart and will find Him. Our hearts are the key to devotion to God. To find God we must seek him with our whole heart. A halfhearted search is not sufficient. We can't being doing our own thing and trying to seek God at the time. We need to give up ourselves and seek God and only Him. We have to seek him 365 days our of the year. Not 363 or 364. Giving Christ your heart means you are not free to give it away to other things or people that come into our lives. If other people get in the way then we are making idols for ourselves. Devoting our lives to Christ means giving everything or nothing at all.
If we are to know God intimately, then we must seek Him, not only with a whole heart, but also with a clean heart. When we think of the word Bride we think, beautiful, clean, pure woman in white. No grime or dirt but the image of purity. As Christians we are part of the Bride of Christ. Any grime or dirt of sin will mar our image before him. In order to be the Bride of Christ we must clean up any blot of sin that may arise between you and your heavenly sweetheart. Sin causes God to back away from a person. Sin is disgusting to Him. He will not abide with it. If you want your devotion to God to be complete, don't merely brush at sin lightly. Get in there and confess it, clean it up, and clear it out. Get rid of it period. Psalm 51:10 says, " Creat in me a clean heart, O God. "
To grow in your knowledge of God, you must seek God correctly, which means you must also seek Him with pure heart. A woman with a pure heart for God does not focus on what He gives, but delights in who He is. I want to have a pure heart and delight in who He is. To find God, you must seek Him with pure motives. Seek Him for who He is, not just for what He can do for you. I struggle with this I focus on what he can do for me constantly but I want to seek Him for who He is.
If you want to get to know the Lord, you must seek Him not only with a whole, clean, and pure heart, but also with a listening heart. During your God are you learning to listen to God? When I would pray to Him I used to just ask for things and talk about myself but He is really showing me how to listen to Him and giving me a listening heart. As a result, my devotion to Him grows and grows and it can do the same for you.
Singleness is not a curse. Singleness puts us in a advantageous position because, more than likely, we are able to spend much more time to seek the Lord now than we ever will be when we are married. The word of God illustrates the advantageous position of the single woman in relation to life. "...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of the world-how she can please her husband." -1 Corinthians 7:34. God says the unmarried woman has the advantage when it comes to her devotion to the Lord. A single woman can give the Lord what a married woman rarely can-undistracted devotion. The time to devleop a consistent devotional life cannot wait until we are married. Many single women waste valuable years as they "wait for life to begin". I myself have wasted time searching for guys and "waiting for my life to begin" but my life has already began.
I used to hate being single. I really really hated it. I felt like all my other friends were in relationships and I was being left behind. This is when God transformed my heart. God is blessing me with precious time. Once I have found "Mr. Right" I will never have this special time again. I want to come into His chambers, delight in His prescence. Im sorry this got long once I started writing I just couldn't stop.
In his love,
Grace
I took little bits and pieces from Lady In Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I am more
Sometimes I feel like I have fallen too far to love. That my mistakes are too great to overcome. But then I look to the cross. Jesus didn't die for "perfect" people. He died to cover a multitude of sins. Yes, I have made mistakes in the past, I have created problems, I have strayed, and I can't go back to who I once was, but I am remade and can start fresh today. Whenever I start to feel like I have fallen to far to be loved or to be forgiven I think of this song...
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/tenth-avenue-north-lyrics/you-are-more-lyrics.html)
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
Life is crazy. It's so complicated and tough. But it is beautiful and there are lessons to be learned. When we are at are lowest point Jesus is there holding us up. Life throws so many obstacles and hurdles. I've been going through so many for 3 years. I didn't ask God for guidance through these tough times and I just went on my way and did what I wanted to do. That is why I made horrible choices and made past mistakes. Because I wasn't looking to him or seeking his guidance. I love this line This is not about where you've been, But where your brokenness brings you to. It is so true. I am completely broken. I am more broken than I ever have been. But I am not drowning in my sorrows. I am looking to the one who gave me new life. I have no idea where life is going to take me. I have no idea what God has planned for me. But I have to trust that the plan is good not just good but amazing. I have a problem with putting my own two sense into God's plan and that is how I have ended up in the predicament that I am in right now. I am not perfect. I am hurt. I am broken. I have been decieved. I feel a struggle going on in my heart between what is good and what is not. I have been stupid. I have been ignorant. I have hurt people. I can't take anything back that I have done. I so wish I could take back everything. But I can't. I can bring it to Jesus though. Cry out to him and ask him to heal me. The pain will be gone but the scars will always be there. I am already scarring. It's a challenging but a beautiful process. Jesus has forgiven me. I am asking for that same forgiveness from everybody who I have hurt in the past 3 years or in my lifetime. Now I just have to wait on the Lord. Wait on the Lord for many answers and I am afraid to hear some of the answers. But he will guide me through it and I will get by and be much stronger because of it. Waiting is the hardest part. I am waiting and it is very painful. I just need to learn to be patient. This song reminds me of what I am going through right now too.
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
I am waiting. I am peaceful. I never thought I would be where I am right now. But God has picked me up and carried me through all of this pain. I am stronger than I ever thought I would be. It is only by God's grace. So I will wait. Wait for the answers that could change my life forever.
His child,
Gigi
Sunday, April 3, 2011
In your hands
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands
Lord please hold me. Please take my hand. Hold me savior. I want this pain to go away. I want you. I need you. You are my strength. My heart is breaking but you will never leave me. Please help me step by step sometimes even moment by moment. I cry out to you Jesus. I give you my all.
Your beloved
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Rolling in the deep
"Rolling In The Deep"
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating
Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.
I am not going to pretend I am okay right now. I don't have enough strength. But the Lord is my refuge and my stronghold and will give me that strength. I have had the busiest week I have had in a long time. This has helped me get my mind off of the situation a bit but it still stings. I haven't been crying as much as I was and I seem to be laughing more.
I feel like part of me has died. Like I have experienced a death in my family. There is a part of my heart that is empty. My heart is in mourning. I have never felt this ever. I have been in love before, but nothing like this. I was willling to give up everything for you and you were going to let me. I am in love with what I thought we had but in reality if you were lying and cheating on me we had nothing at all. I have no trust right now. None.
Having someone tell you that they can live without you and for the past 3 years they have been telling you they can't is hard to take and is a slap in the face. I am the one that left. I had a reason to. Everbody has opinions on this situation. That since he cheated it should be easier, that I shouldn't love him anymore, that I shouldnt care, etc. I understand where everyone is coming from. People say love is a choice and you have a choice to get over this. Yes, I do have a choice and with God's help he will heal me of this. But it will take time. Lots of it. And for now I am not okay and it still hurts as much as it did the first day. I am not a patient person at all and I just want it to go away now. I don't want to fill this void in my heart and soul with another relationship that won't work out in the end anyway. Right now I am not capable of opening my heart to another. This one hurt enough. In time I will be able to but not now.
I just want to be restored. I wish I could forget all of this and wish none of it ever had happened. If I knew this would have happened in the end I would have never gotten involved. Living day to day is a struggle. Not waking up to his text messages is a big one for me. Those always helped me get through the day. Not talking to him after I have had a long day of school and work. Not hearing his voice or skyping. This hurts a lot too. Knowing that he isn't feeling the same pain as me and that I cared so deeply with all my heart and he didn't. That is a stab in the heart for sure. The thought of him being with anybody else swallows me up and leaves me hypverventilating. This will go away in time but right now it isn't.
This has been the most tramuatic experience of my life. Even though I am hurting God has been blessing me and showing me he will never leave me. He has been blessing me with great friends, a great support system, and people who will just listen to me vent. I am very appreciative of that. Also, when I was at work yesterday Jesus blessed me with an angel. I was sacking up an elderly man's grocceries. As I was doing that he started talking to me. He was saying you will be okay. You have so much going for you. I know you have been through a lot lately and you feel like giving up. Trust in him and let him lead you on his path. Cast all your fears upon him because he cares for you and loves you. Don't let all the crap that has been going on in your life ruin the beautiful soul that you have. Then he said I will be praying for you Grace. Don't give up. I was speechless!! This was so crazy but I was so encouraged. He didn't know who I was or anything about me but God gave him the words to say and it truely was an angel! God has been blessing me with lots of angels lately. He is showing his love for me. He knows I am in pain. He wants to take care of me. That is why I have been crying out to him. Giving him all of my fears, angers, emotions, frustrations, giving it all to him. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be filled with anger, I don't want to have hate in my heart. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Jesus please take my mourning and sorrows away. I can't handle them.I need to hold on to the hope that things will get better. I am just waiting for when that happens.
Gigi
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating
Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.
I am not going to pretend I am okay right now. I don't have enough strength. But the Lord is my refuge and my stronghold and will give me that strength. I have had the busiest week I have had in a long time. This has helped me get my mind off of the situation a bit but it still stings. I haven't been crying as much as I was and I seem to be laughing more.
I feel like part of me has died. Like I have experienced a death in my family. There is a part of my heart that is empty. My heart is in mourning. I have never felt this ever. I have been in love before, but nothing like this. I was willling to give up everything for you and you were going to let me. I am in love with what I thought we had but in reality if you were lying and cheating on me we had nothing at all. I have no trust right now. None.
Having someone tell you that they can live without you and for the past 3 years they have been telling you they can't is hard to take and is a slap in the face. I am the one that left. I had a reason to. Everbody has opinions on this situation. That since he cheated it should be easier, that I shouldn't love him anymore, that I shouldnt care, etc. I understand where everyone is coming from. People say love is a choice and you have a choice to get over this. Yes, I do have a choice and with God's help he will heal me of this. But it will take time. Lots of it. And for now I am not okay and it still hurts as much as it did the first day. I am not a patient person at all and I just want it to go away now. I don't want to fill this void in my heart and soul with another relationship that won't work out in the end anyway. Right now I am not capable of opening my heart to another. This one hurt enough. In time I will be able to but not now.
I just want to be restored. I wish I could forget all of this and wish none of it ever had happened. If I knew this would have happened in the end I would have never gotten involved. Living day to day is a struggle. Not waking up to his text messages is a big one for me. Those always helped me get through the day. Not talking to him after I have had a long day of school and work. Not hearing his voice or skyping. This hurts a lot too. Knowing that he isn't feeling the same pain as me and that I cared so deeply with all my heart and he didn't. That is a stab in the heart for sure. The thought of him being with anybody else swallows me up and leaves me hypverventilating. This will go away in time but right now it isn't.
This has been the most tramuatic experience of my life. Even though I am hurting God has been blessing me and showing me he will never leave me. He has been blessing me with great friends, a great support system, and people who will just listen to me vent. I am very appreciative of that. Also, when I was at work yesterday Jesus blessed me with an angel. I was sacking up an elderly man's grocceries. As I was doing that he started talking to me. He was saying you will be okay. You have so much going for you. I know you have been through a lot lately and you feel like giving up. Trust in him and let him lead you on his path. Cast all your fears upon him because he cares for you and loves you. Don't let all the crap that has been going on in your life ruin the beautiful soul that you have. Then he said I will be praying for you Grace. Don't give up. I was speechless!! This was so crazy but I was so encouraged. He didn't know who I was or anything about me but God gave him the words to say and it truely was an angel! God has been blessing me with lots of angels lately. He is showing his love for me. He knows I am in pain. He wants to take care of me. That is why I have been crying out to him. Giving him all of my fears, angers, emotions, frustrations, giving it all to him. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be filled with anger, I don't want to have hate in my heart. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Jesus please take my mourning and sorrows away. I can't handle them.I need to hold on to the hope that things will get better. I am just waiting for when that happens.
Gigi
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Breaking Soul Ties
Step #1 to breaking soul ties:
Repent of any sins that involve that person. I have confessed to my Lord Jesus in heaven of all of the sins I have committted.
If you have had adultery, fornication, etc., it is vital that you repent of those sins and receive God's forgiveness for it before you can go about breaking the soul tie.
Step #2 to breaking soul ties:
Forgive the person of any wrongs done
If you have any unforgiveness in your heart against the person, you must choose to release that bitterness and forgive the person. The Bible is clear that bitterness defiles a man.
I have forgiven him of any wrong doing he has committed against me. I was bitter and I realize that I was. I no longer want to be a bitter or scorned woman. In order to move on I need to give him my forgivness I just hope that he will forgive me of the wrong doings I have done against him and that he won't have bitterness in his heart against me.
Step #3 to breaking soul ties:
Renounce any covenants made with the person
If you have made any spoken commitments, vows or even simply saying, "I will love you forever", it has ample power in the spiritual realm to bind the soul to that person (form a soul tie). The tongue is quite capable of binding the soul and can be a great means to create soul ties:
Proverbs 6:2, "Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth."
These spoken covenants need to be renounced in order to break the soul tie. When you renounce something, you basically take them back verbally. You spoke them verbally, now it is time to take them back verbally. For example, if a woman has had a soul tie with a man who was not the one, and said she would never be able to love another man, then this needs to be renounced if she wants to break the soul tie. Such a woman could renounce it by saying something like, "I renounce having said that I will never be able to love another man."
I have verbally renounced all of the spoken covenants I had spoke when I was with him. Speaking it verbally brings peace to my heart and brings me comfort. I no longer want to be tied to him. I will be able to let God bring a man into my life later on when the time is right and I won't be stuck to this person the rest of my life. I believed that I would never be able to love another again. I don't want to believe this. I want to believe in my heart that if I follow Jesus and live out his will for my life he will bring someone truely amazing into my life. I want to continue to feel peace and comfort in my heart knowing I have done the right thing.
Step #4 to breaking soul ties:
Get rid of any gifts exchanged
Gifts also symbolize a relationship and can hold a soul tie in place. If a person has a ring, personal gifts, cards, jewelry and other 'relationship gifts' from a previous relationship, then it is time to get rid of them. Holding onto such gifts symbolizes that the relationship is still in good standing and can actually hold the soul tie in place even after it has been renounced. You can learn more about the power of symbols in the teaching Symbolic Representations.
This step in the process is very hard for me. He gave me a lot of his posessions and I finally boxed them up and am going to get rid of them. All of the clothes, hats, flowers, candles, teddy bears, rings, necklaces. In order for me to break this tie I need to get rid of this. I can't hold on to these things. I want to but I know that if I hold on to these things that I will not be able to break this tie and I need to break this tie for my heart.
Step #5 to breaking soul ties:
Renounce and break the soul tie in Jesus' name
Verbally renouncing something carries a lot of weight in the spiritual realm. Just as vows can bind the soul, renouncing can release the soul from bonds. Jesus said that whatsoever you shall loose will be loosed in heaven (the heavenly realm, or spiritual realm). You can renounce and loose yourself from an ungodly soul tie by simply speaking something like this from your heart:
"I now renounce and loose myself from any ungodly soul ties formed between myself and __Justin______, and I break these ungodly soul ties in Jesus' name."
This was my devotional today. I have been struggling ALOT and I hope that this can help me to have more confidence in my choice of leaving and help me to be confident in my choice to move on from this. I pray for confidence that I could have a confident heart. I pray that I will have a purified heart and will be pure in Holy in Jesus' sight.
I know that I have went down the wrong path for almost the last year. In my mind it's been almost the past 3 years. I feel like Satan has had a stronghold over my heart since I went to college. I was blinded to what was right and wrong. I have given my heart to more people than just this one person. I am sorry for all of the people I have turned my back on. I have appreciated everyones prayers for me. Even though at the time I was resentful and was not happy that people were praying for me. I am so glad God got in the way and in my path and stopped me. So VERY thankful. At first I was angry that this had to happen. I was angry with God and I was angry at the people praying for me. I ask for forgiveness. God is going to transform my heart and use this somehow. I went through pain and despair but God can get me through anything. I really need to learn to trust again. All of my trust has been broken. And I haven't trusted the Lord with my heart, soul, or life.
I want guidance. I need guidance. I want strong women of God to stand behind me and help me grow in my relationship with Christ. Who is up for this challenge?
Gigi
Repent of any sins that involve that person. I have confessed to my Lord Jesus in heaven of all of the sins I have committted.
If you have had adultery, fornication, etc., it is vital that you repent of those sins and receive God's forgiveness for it before you can go about breaking the soul tie.
Step #2 to breaking soul ties:
Forgive the person of any wrongs done
If you have any unforgiveness in your heart against the person, you must choose to release that bitterness and forgive the person. The Bible is clear that bitterness defiles a man.
I have forgiven him of any wrong doing he has committed against me. I was bitter and I realize that I was. I no longer want to be a bitter or scorned woman. In order to move on I need to give him my forgivness I just hope that he will forgive me of the wrong doings I have done against him and that he won't have bitterness in his heart against me.
Step #3 to breaking soul ties:
Renounce any covenants made with the person
If you have made any spoken commitments, vows or even simply saying, "I will love you forever", it has ample power in the spiritual realm to bind the soul to that person (form a soul tie). The tongue is quite capable of binding the soul and can be a great means to create soul ties:
Proverbs 6:2, "Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth."
These spoken covenants need to be renounced in order to break the soul tie. When you renounce something, you basically take them back verbally. You spoke them verbally, now it is time to take them back verbally. For example, if a woman has had a soul tie with a man who was not the one, and said she would never be able to love another man, then this needs to be renounced if she wants to break the soul tie. Such a woman could renounce it by saying something like, "I renounce having said that I will never be able to love another man."
I have verbally renounced all of the spoken covenants I had spoke when I was with him. Speaking it verbally brings peace to my heart and brings me comfort. I no longer want to be tied to him. I will be able to let God bring a man into my life later on when the time is right and I won't be stuck to this person the rest of my life. I believed that I would never be able to love another again. I don't want to believe this. I want to believe in my heart that if I follow Jesus and live out his will for my life he will bring someone truely amazing into my life. I want to continue to feel peace and comfort in my heart knowing I have done the right thing.
Step #4 to breaking soul ties:
Get rid of any gifts exchanged
Gifts also symbolize a relationship and can hold a soul tie in place. If a person has a ring, personal gifts, cards, jewelry and other 'relationship gifts' from a previous relationship, then it is time to get rid of them. Holding onto such gifts symbolizes that the relationship is still in good standing and can actually hold the soul tie in place even after it has been renounced. You can learn more about the power of symbols in the teaching Symbolic Representations.
This step in the process is very hard for me. He gave me a lot of his posessions and I finally boxed them up and am going to get rid of them. All of the clothes, hats, flowers, candles, teddy bears, rings, necklaces. In order for me to break this tie I need to get rid of this. I can't hold on to these things. I want to but I know that if I hold on to these things that I will not be able to break this tie and I need to break this tie for my heart.
Step #5 to breaking soul ties:
Renounce and break the soul tie in Jesus' name
Verbally renouncing something carries a lot of weight in the spiritual realm. Just as vows can bind the soul, renouncing can release the soul from bonds. Jesus said that whatsoever you shall loose will be loosed in heaven (the heavenly realm, or spiritual realm). You can renounce and loose yourself from an ungodly soul tie by simply speaking something like this from your heart:
"I now renounce and loose myself from any ungodly soul ties formed between myself and __Justin______, and I break these ungodly soul ties in Jesus' name."
This was my devotional today. I have been struggling ALOT and I hope that this can help me to have more confidence in my choice of leaving and help me to be confident in my choice to move on from this. I pray for confidence that I could have a confident heart. I pray that I will have a purified heart and will be pure in Holy in Jesus' sight.
I know that I have went down the wrong path for almost the last year. In my mind it's been almost the past 3 years. I feel like Satan has had a stronghold over my heart since I went to college. I was blinded to what was right and wrong. I have given my heart to more people than just this one person. I am sorry for all of the people I have turned my back on. I have appreciated everyones prayers for me. Even though at the time I was resentful and was not happy that people were praying for me. I am so glad God got in the way and in my path and stopped me. So VERY thankful. At first I was angry that this had to happen. I was angry with God and I was angry at the people praying for me. I ask for forgiveness. God is going to transform my heart and use this somehow. I went through pain and despair but God can get me through anything. I really need to learn to trust again. All of my trust has been broken. And I haven't trusted the Lord with my heart, soul, or life.
I want guidance. I need guidance. I want strong women of God to stand behind me and help me grow in my relationship with Christ. Who is up for this challenge?
Gigi
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Year
This new year is off to a bumpy start. Even though it's off to a bumpy start I know that this year is going to be amazing and I have so many things to look forward to. This new year will be filled with new oppurtunities, new adventures and experiences, and I am going to make the best of it. I am making lots of new year's resolutions and I plan on keeping them.
I am starting the nursing program through USD at the University Center on the 12th of this month. I am super excited but I am super nervous. I have no idea what to expect but I can finally start learning and gaining the skills it takes to be a nurse. I have two years left and one year online left and I am a nurse. I am just hoping that I can survive this rigourous schedule and make lots of friends. My goal for school is to do my best, give it my all, and make lots of friends and have fun.
I am on the hunt for a new job. I work at Victoria Secret as a cashier but I don't get enough hours and don't make enough money. I plan on finding a better paying job so that I am able to pay all of my bills and still be well off. If anybody has any ideas of where I could apply please let me know. I would like to get a better paying job so that I can afford to move out of my parents house and get myself my own apartment. I would love to move out this year. I plan on making this happen.
I mentioned moving out of my parents house. I feel like this would be best for my relationship with my parents, brothers, and I. I have made it a goal to get along better with my parents and to watch the way I talk to them and my brothers. I have started spending more time with them and am getting along better with them. I am talking to my family alot more. I would like to this to improve because 2010 was just a bad year for my relationship with my family. I plan on making this better.
Also, I turn 21 this year. In a little less than four months I will be 21. That is crazy to think. I feel so old. Where did the time go? I am excited to turn 21. Not just so it's legal to drink but I feel like it will be a next step in me getting older and becoming the adult I wanna be. It just feels so unreal that I will be turning 21. I hope everything goes as planned.
Another goal of mine for the year is to become a lot healthier. This sounds so cliche but I plan on doing this. I plan on working out more, paying attention to what I am putting into my body, and I hope this will result in a much more happier and skinner(fingers crossed) person. I lost 30 pounds in the year 2010 and I am hoping to lose alot more this year. I want to be motivated and I want to be happy. I have so much in store for me. I am going to be in my aunt Keya's wedding in April and I just want to feel confident and pretty in my dress so I am hoping I become healthier and happier.
I have an amazing boyfriend who puts up with the good, bad, pretty, ugly, everything. I just hope we will spend this year together and have an amazing year and more amazing years to come in the future. I plan on staying with him over the summer months in Columbia, Missouri. I am already counting down the days until I can stay with him for the summer. I miss him so much and we have our up's and down's but I know he will always be there. I am just excited to see what's in store for us. We got to spend Christmas together and that was so amazing and I plan on having many more amazing experiences with him. I just can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for him and I.
Lastily, I plan on working on my relationship with God. I want to be closer to him and I want to have the relationship I once had. I miss everything about it. I want to be in the word more and I want to pray more often. I want to attend church more and I just can't wait to see where God leads me.
I want to live life half full not half empty. This year is going to be amazing.
Gigi
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)