Broken

"I Never Told You" Colbie Caillat


I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night
I miss the way we see
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I'm not
Around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
(still you're gone)
Can't believe that I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you


I keep falling back into the same patterns. I am addicted. Addicted to him. But why? Because he makes me feel so alive, so happy, like I'm all that matters. He builds me up but then he pushes me to the ground and I can't get back up. He picks me back up and then pushes me down even harder. I keep falling into this. Over and over and over and over again. It's never ending. It's because I have feelings for him. Maybe he is the one? Who knows. It feels like I'm the only one that believes that could be possible. He has other women in his life. If you love someone wouldn't you stay commited to that person even if there were thousands of miles between you?Hmmmmmmm.. But he always runs back to me. Always. You know that saying "set him free if he comes back he's yours and if he doesn't he was never yours to begin with." Well... he always comes back for a lil bit and leaves again? So does that mean he is mine or not? Why do I even want him still? He can be such a letdown. He can make me cry. But boy can he bring me to my knees. He makes me melt. I am so afraid to lose him for good. But is he afraid to lose me? If I were to walk away would he run after me? I wonder if the things that remind me of you remind you of me? I had one of the worst days possible. This month has just been horrible for me. I'm just going through a lot. My emotions are all over the place. Him and I got in a fight today after everything was going good. Ughhh and I started the fight. Sometimes I think I should just not say anything at all because things would just be so much better. Dumb me. I will admit my relationship with him is rocky. We aren't dating but for the last year it has been like we are. He hasn't given me that chance yet. Like I'm not good enough or something? Cuz I believe I am good enough..When I need him the most he is not there? Even if he says he is.. But I am always there when he needs me.... so freakin frustrated. I have prayed about this but this is just a complete mess I don't even know what to do. I mean I have feelings for other guys. I make it pretty obvious and these guys know it. I am not playing anybody. I am single. But I know where my heart is. For once why can't I have what I want? Just once... I will say I love him. He knows I do. He says he loves me too. But has he shown it? He's always afraid of commitement, he always says he wants to get through his immaturity and get past his demons first so that he can be a good man for me.. well I have been waiting and I am not going anywhere. I wonder if he will read this. Its highly doubtful. I have never said any of this to him. I try to but I don't want to fight. I just want him. I want him to want me. I want him to love me like he says he loves me. As I sit here bawling as I write this he's with her.. happy. This makes my heart hurt even more. Why do I put myself through this bs? I just keep telling myself it will all be worth it. But will it be?

I am Beautiful

Beautiful By Christina Aguilera- I know this song is old but it's how I feel. Jesus is telling me im beautiful. I am His.

Spoken:
Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay


And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

I was made in his image. I am beautiful. I am adored. I am pure in his sight. He has never left me or forsaken me and he never will. Nothing will seperate us. NOTHING. The enemy has been attacking me lately. I am overweight. I do realize this. I am constantly reminded from my job as a lifeguard, seeing other girls at the pool and comparing my body with theirs, all my other friends are very skinny, my brothers remind me. Yes I realize I am. But I choose not to focus on it. Yes I want to be healthy. But I know that no matter what size I am I was created in the image of God and that I am beautiful inside and outside. Outer apperance shouldn't matter. If you don't know me get to know me because I believe that God has created so much inner beauty in me that it radiates out. I am not being conceited at all. I struggle with a lot but I believe my inner beauty that God has given me is way more important than my outer appearance. I believe God has created me to be a woman of virtue, a woman of love, patience, kindness,full of compassion. Being a woman of virtue has been tough. My purity is constantly under attack from the enemy. Also, the enemy likes to use my insecurities. I believe I am a very confident person. But I do have a lot of insecurities at the same time. I hate my nose, I hate my stomach, I hate how big and round my face is, I hate how tiny my lips are, I hate how thick my legs are, I wish I was skinnier, I wish I was prettier. But I know that I am the woman God created me to be. He wanted me to have thick legs, a bigger nose, huge hips, a big butt ha, he created every part of me and thought that it was good. He is enthralled by my beauty. He has created my future husband who will one day meet me and be and enthralled with my beauty also. I am sick of being insecure. I am sick of doubt. I am sick of lonliness and depression. I am sick of the enemy. I am sick of SIN! God has created me to be a beautiful woman living for him. I need to stop listening to lies.

Time to Move On

I am moving on. I will no longer settle. I will guard my heart. I have failed so many times at doing this. I get too attached. I get too involved. I let my emotions take control of me. I love the feeling of being "in love". In the end it hurts me. I am fooled. I feel foolish. I feel broken. I feel used. I feel hurt. I am broken. But Jesus is holding me. He will pick the pieces up and put me together. I have to let him put me back together. I have to move on from looking for a guy to care for me. I get soo lonely. Usually when I become best friends with a guy I end up falling for them and this causes problems. This causes emotional damage. I am just looking for guy friends that I can call my brothers and will help guard my heart. I am sick of letting my heart be broken, trampled over, and I am sick of being used. I just want to scream. I am so upset. I thought I was guarding my heart. But I guess I wasn't guarding it enough because I am left with this emptiness, brokenness, sadness, lonliness, and I feel abandoned. I know that I am not though. Jesus is holding my hand. He's comforting me. He is telling me everything will be okay, even though it feels like nothing is okay right now. I am going to put walls up. Whoever Jesus has planned to be with me will have to break these walls down. I am not opposed to dating. I am opposed to being hurt by people who don't respect me and don't care about my heart. I am frustrated. I just want to throw something. I want to cry. I need a hug. I have my self to blame. But I don't feel like I deserve to be treated like dirt. I am a princess of the most high king. I should not be eating crumbs on the floor but should be feasting on the king's cake. I am only going to let guys who deserve to know me into my life. I am moving on from settling. From settling for temporary satisfactions of this world. I dserve the best. I deserve to be treated like a princess. No more settling.

His beloved,

Grace

You Are

You Are By Tenth Avenue North

Lord of empty space
You breathe and then create
Before the earth was made
You are
The King of every age
Outside of time and space
The heavens speak Your name
You are
You are

Lord of brilliant light
You separate the night
And everything inside
You are
The One who calms the seas
And every part of me
With just a word You speak
You are
You are.

I give You all of me for all You are
Here I am
Take me apart
Take me apart
I give You all of me for all You are
Here I am
Take me apart
Take me apart

Angels bowing down
Beneath the rushing sound
A voice that thunders out
You are
The one who holds the stars
And the beating of my heart
Exalted above all
You are
You are

Chorus

All I am I want to lay down at Your feet 3x


He is. He is everything. He is mine. I give him everything. My life is not mine. It is all his. I want him to take me apart. I want him to break me. I want him to heal me. My heart has been sooo broken lately. I have been so emotional and usually he is in control of my emotions. I feel so distant from him but at the same time I feel him holding on to me. I just want him. I desire him. He is the beating of my heart. He deserves all of the praise without him I am nothing. Just broken, lifeless, shattered, torn, ugly, abused, scorn, a sinner. But in him I am beautiful, radiant, loved, cherished, I am his beloved. He covers all of my sins, he heals all of my pain, and he shows me my brokenness so that he can begin to heal me. I want to lay at his feet. I want him. Give me all of you Lord Jesus. I desire you. I can never get enough of you. Fill me with your spirit. I want your spirit to fill my life. I want my life to be an outpouring of your love Jesus. You are everything. You are all that matters. Help me to remain focused on you and not get lost in the temporary satisfactions of this world.

His Beloved,

Grace