I have been struggling lately.alot.Struggling with being an adult and making adult decisons. Struggling with getting along with my parents.Struggling with friendships. Struggling with what I am going to do with my life. Struggling with jealousy. Struggling with insecurity. Struggling with my money. Struggling with my relationshp with God. Keeping all of this in is very hard. I am ready to break. I don't know which step to take. So here is my heart..
My goal in life is to be happy. I am no where near that right now. I am struggling with which path to take. I have lots of decisions to make. Whether I should stay here and do nursing, and be unhappy. Or try nursing here and see if its for me. Or move and be extremly happy but may have to give up my nursing career. I am not getting along with my parents. We no longer have a relationship and it is tough because I have always looked up to them for guidance. I don't feel their love. People tell me "oh they love you they are just doing the best for you right now.'' I don't believe that for one second. I will show my children what love is that is for sure.
I am struggling with friendships and having close relationships. I have put up a wall against my friends and other people because I don't want anybody to get close to me. I have been hurt several times and I don't want to get hurt again.I feel that if im sinning or not following the will of God according to them that I can't be a part of my friends lives. I feel judged. I am just trying to live my life to the fullest and succeed at everything I have planned for my life. I am sick of people getting in the way of my happiness. If you want to judge me fine. Do it. I'm learning to have thicker skin and don't need anybody in my life like that.
I am also struggling with jealousy and insecurity. I am strugling with losing weight. I have begun the process of losing weight but it is a slow process. I am not able to afford my diet and yes I try and eat well but I am still gaining weight back and that is very disappointing. I don't view myself as attractive as of right now. So because I am not feeling attractive I feel jealous of other girls and this puts a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. I just assume that since I don't feel attractive that why should he view me as attractive. I hate insecurity, jealousy, and doubt. I am trying to get rid of these because they have no place in my life.
I am struggling with my relationship with God also. I feel resentful towards God because of the pain the church has caused me. Christians have hurt me, and yes I am not perfect, but I have not felt love. I am not asking for Christians to fully accept things I have done in the past and will do in the future, but I would like to be shown love and support. I am resentful to him so that has affected my prayer life. I am very distant. I don't pray that often and when I do it feels unfamiliar and I don't feel comfortable. I have not given up on my relationship with him, I have just wandered a little bit and feel distant. Doesn't mean I have turned my back on him. He has always been there to support me when I've needed it.
I am struggling with money. I have a job but it doesn't pay that well but I love it. That's how it always goes. I find a job I hate and it pays well and then I find a job I love and it doesn't pay that well. Ugh a little frustrating. I am struggling to pay all of my bills right now and that gets tough with it being Christmas time. I hate money and sometimes it causes so many frustrations in my life. I just hope I find a better paying job or get my hours at the job I am working at. I really need it.
I am just in a funk right now and would like to get out of it. I want to be happy and I want to enjoy life and enjoy being in love.
Gigi
